To allow myself to admit that right now I can not manage by myself.
I certainly can not look after my household or my family.
The last 16 months, since my injury I have felt tremendous anger that no one is looking after me, or helping me while I am struggling to manage. Most of that anger has been directed at my husband, for not doing enough to physically help out around the house, and picking up some of the slack as I wilt under pain.
My emotional and physical needs were not fully met in my childhood. Words can not begin to express the hurt and anger that I carry deep within, because my emotional and physical needs were not met. This rage is on a slow continous simmer. It does not take much to bring it to the boil.
Anger is often described as a 'negative' emotion. Anger has been an intrinsic part of my life. When life seems to be overwhelmingly difficult, it is Anger that propels me to keep going. Anger lifts me up out of the doldrums, the slumps. Anger focused with "NO! I will not let them win in this! I will not let them beat me down. I will raise above this. I WILL be better than them". Anger can be used for positive outcomes, and has been the primary motivator for most of my life.
Intellectually I recognise and accept that my parents' inability to meet my physical and emotional needs were not a result of cognitive or malicious intent on their part. My parents are products of the era in which they were raised. Emotionally wounded individuals, poorly equipped for the tremendously complex and committed task of raising children.They did the best that they could, with the information and support they had. In a time without the information and knowledge todays parents have access to, thanks to modern research and information technology. My parents were unable to meet their emotional needs, as they had not had theirs met, as their parents had not had theirs, for unknown countless generations... and I had subsequently not had mine met. This is the cycle of abuse.
The cycle of abuse is very difficult to break. The cycle of abuse is a generational cycle that has built up tremendous weight and momentum.
The greatest gift my parents gave me, is their attempts to start breaking the cycle.
My life journey is to continue breaking the cycle; to build a new family cycle A cycle of love, support, acceptance, and empowerment. It requires conscientious parenting on my part, at all times. Abusive habits are my default setting. A moments inattention when tired, or distracted, and these ingrained habits easily re-surface. Functional MRI and modern neuroscience has shown that our brains are not static. Neuron-plasticity has been proven in multiple studies. Change is possible. I will make it so in my family.
To do so, I need to be rested. I need to be well. If I can not accept my current physical need to rest and heal for my self, and typing this with tears rolling down my cheeks makes me realise that I can not accept this for me, I will be motivated to do so for my children.
The underlying drive may not be ideal, the result is I will care for myself, and that is another step in a better direction.
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