Hold Please

It occurred to me very recently, that I have lived most of My life "on hold"

Growing up, I was confined by the environment in which I grew up, to be the person I was expected to be. I spent most of my childhood dreaming of a time when I could engage in self determination and self discovery "When I grow up..."


 Like many who "grow up" in New Zealand, this coincides with the coming of age Overseas Experience the big  "O.E.". For me, it started with a week in Orlando, Florida staying with my Uncle and family, then going on to spend time in the Netherlands with the rest of my extended maternal family before starting my new employment in Canada. I left NZ early January 1993 and returned to New Zealand April 1996. Those were three of the happiest years of my life.

Bowling with 3rd youngest aunt, youngest aunt & husband, the Wind cousins and the v.d.Storm cousins (&the twins' partners)

I discovered I am a likable person in my own right.
I started to learn to say "No, this is too much for me, I need to care for my well-being"
I discovered that some of my quirks, are family traits
I discovered that some of my quirks, are Dutch traits.
I learnt that I am not "weird" I am a product of my family and my Dutch and Kiwi cultures.
I learnt to like Me.

I came back to New Zealand, and married my former boyfriend. I worked full-time in a demanding, exhausting and often rewarding job as an Early Childhood Teacher. I would go to work, come home, and be in bed asleep by 9pm. My life consisted of work and sleep. I had no energy for anything else during the week. Weekends were full of household jobs such as laundry gardening tidying. there was very ;little time and energy for other activities. Friday Night Board Games, Movies and Reading featured in my 'spare' time amusements.

Ten years after I returned to New Zealand, I (finally) gave birth to my First Born.I remember during my pregnancy how I eagerly anticipated the opportunity to pursue some of my own interests for the first time, while the baby was sleeping. After all, babies sleep a couple of times during the day for appr. 3 hours per time, in their early months. and then later there would be 3 hour afternoon naps, and then Playcentre, and school.

Reality hit with force. By the time my second baby came along, and people marvelled at how little he slept... a full 40 minutes twice a day... and asked how I coped, I laughed maniacally and stated that in comparison, he had monster long sleeps. Then their eyes would really bug.

Not sleeping, but as close as we get

Gosh, he looks like he might fall alseep

Good grief, He's *actually*  asleep!

My wonderful boys have figuratively turned their heads at pretty much every developmental 'norm', which as an experienced  qualified early childhood educator, I could identify early. It took me a while to find a good balance for meeting everyone needs. This including radically re-prioritising my needs. The end result is that effectively, I am once again living my life on hold. This is a fact that has come glaringly to the forefront over the last three weeks while I have been at home,alone, recovering from surgery.

I have lost the ability to focus.

The other likely place for sleep

I have lost the ability to start anything that requires uninterrupted concentration for more than ten minutes.
I can get lost in a novel easily enough, but only those I have read before... where interruptions will not have me lose the storyline. It is fortunate that I have read a lot over the years, revisiting novels is not as limiting for me as it is for some.

I do not know how to re-build this skill.
Researching strategies requires me to be able to focus, and I find myself flitting from one thing to another, and not completing anything... don't believe me? You should see the half written - never completed, unpublished blog posts on my "overview" list.

If you have any ideas... I'd appreciate links, comments, ideas...