Friday 5 October 2012

The Importance of Being... Good

Dorothy Law Nolte wrote a poem "If a Child Lives With..." Dorothy Law Nolte was a family counsellor who worked with children and families, and had gathered some of her observations within this poem. The general premise being that the nature of the relationships a child has with the adults around them go a long way towards developing their fundamental social skills and attitudes. Since this poem was written, some 60 years ago, research has supported these observations. The New Zealand Ministry of Education's legislature and supporting documents for Early Childhood Education, such as the curriculum Te Whāriki, and the Desirable Objectives and Practices
were written to support ECE facilities to provide relationships and pratices that support the guiding principle of Early Childhood education in New Zealand for children:
to grow up as competent and confident
learners and communicators, healthy
in mind, body, and spirit, secure in
their sense of belonging and in the
knowledge that they make a valued
contribution to society.
This general approach to interacting with children was already instilled in my head and heart  before I began to study to acquire my Diploma of Teaching in Early Childhood Education, and has since been reinforced time and time again. This provided the guidelines of my parenting too. It was through my professional development that I learnt of Attachment Parenting, a philosophy that I implement in my daily practices while raising my children. My first born, T(9) is frequently complimented by other mothers to me, remarking how thoughtful, and caring and gentle he is with others his own age, and those younger than him. How polite he is with adults. How willing he is to interact with others (in small group situations).

And then there is K(6)

I do not think I will ever be able to adequately articulate my internal fears, confusion and doubt in my ability as a parent, or an ECE professional during the early years of K's life. I could not understand why a child who never experienced physical violence would as a first reaction flail violently at the slightest sign of adversity. As he became older, gaining gross motor control, his flailing became more targeted at the person(s) he was clearly upset with. I could no longer persuade myself that my child is not very aggressive.

I did have hope however. I became increasingly aware that when he was interacting with younger / smaller people, he would be as gentle as a young child who is still developing motor control, could be. He never demonstrated this explosive aggression towards younger or smaller children.

The majority of my parenting and ECE techniques work on a preventative model... so I began to forge new ground as I attempted to provide natural consequences that an 18 months old would be able to comprehend. Considering that at this age the neo-cortex, the areas that regulate behaviours, emotions, and 'primal' urges is effectively "off-line" I was pretty much setting myself, and my child up for failure.

Setting oneself up for failure is never a good idea. It leaves all those involved, feeling inadequate, unloved, and unaccepted.

Around this time, I was searching for answers for my eldest's unusual developmental sequences, particularly those around speech. It was because of my search for answers for T, that I discovered, and began my training in HANDLE®. As can sometime happen, when you look for answers in one thing, you find answers for other challenges or problems that you are dealing with. This was very much the case with HANDLE, and finding effective strategies for K.

Probably the biggest immediate impact I experienced when implementing HANDLE practices within my family, was the ability to begin to identify probable food intolerances, which in turn resulted in the elimination of wheat primarily for myself and to K(then 2).

At the end of the first day of no wheat, K went to sleep faster than he ever had before... and more tellingly he did not wake screaming, in what I now realise was agony, after 90 minutes of sleep. The following day, we had our first violence free day, despite several incidents of adversity. I was jubilant. 

The following years, the initial elimination of, and the now occasional ingestion of wheat based products for K have reduced his previously inappropriate violence to instances of extreme injustice and rage, where they are developmentally appropriate for a 6 year old boy. His early experiences have certainly left their mark, and it will take time to fully ameliorate them. There have been some significant instances that illustrate his development in these areas.

The first occurred when I was out one evening, when K was between 3 and 3 1/2 years old. I came home to have Carl inform me of a rather telling conversation he had had with K as he settling for sleep. Apparently K(then 3) had expressed a desire to always live with Carl and I, because he was afraid of being bad, and did not know how to not be bad, so he needed our help. Carl confessed to being a bit perplexed at how to respond to K and tried to reassure him.

This report had me stunned. A 3 year old being aware that his behaviours were not always desirable, and the awareness that he could not regulate those behaviours, and had formulated a reasonable solution to this problem. It also broke my heart. That this child had such concern and saw himself as bad.

The following morning I brought the subject up with K, while we were snuggling together. I explained that daddy had told me about their conversation, and then explained to him that as he is only 3 right now, the parts of the brain that help him control his impulses had not yet grown, and would not do so until he was 6 years old. I also explained that until then, we would still be telling him when things were not okay, and what to do about it, so that when those parts of the brain became connected, they would have the information they needed to be able to control himself as well as possible. He looked a little sceptical, and also relieved.

Fast forward to my now 6 year old K.

Two months ago, there was an incident where K(6) and T(9) had a disagreement. T shouted at K that he was bad, and K(6) collapsed onto the floor of the living room, sobbing inconsolably. That evening, as I drove home from Bridge, I reviewed this incident in my head, and had an epiphany, which I shared with K the following morning, again during snuggles.

T(9) and K(6) disagreement had been about some morality, and the boys often mis-communicate, in part because of T(9)'s speech impediment, in part because the boys think in completely different ways, and consequently express themselves in a manner that the other does not always fully comprehend. When T proclaimed K to be "Bad", K was distraught, as he very much wants to be "good".

This logo helped K(6) identify as
one of the Good Guys,
it is the property of Amnesty International
K(6)'s desire to be good is demonstrated by the conversation some three years prior. It is supported by his intense questioning about who is the good guy and who is the bad guy in any given situation. His intense satisfaction at receiving an Amnesty International Badge (once his dad explained who Amnesty international is, and what they do) and his proclamation:

"Now I have a badge so everyone can see that I am a good Guy"

I realised that this also explained that most often, when K collapses into a sobbing pile, it would be in a situation where he had been trying to either help or do the right thing, and his actions had been rejected, or misunderstood by the intended recipient.

During my snuggled conversation with K, I shared my thoughts and insights along these lines, and pointed out that I understood that it is very important for him to be Good, and do right, and that now that he is 6 he is beginning to be able to make the choices that lead to that. I also explained that it takes hard work and talking to get other people to understand, because they will not always think the same way as he does, or have a different idea about what the right thing is.

It was very rewarding to feel him relax into me and when he disengaged from the snuggles, he was smiling. I got the strong impression that he was pleased that I understood what he was trying to achieve, and that I had given him some important information to help in future.

So, why am I sharing all this today?

Yesterday my boys and I were at Huapai Domain, supporting their cousin A(10) who has flown up from Christchurch with the rest of her soccer team to compete in the Grade 10 National championships. My boys were not as focused in watching the games as I was, and they drifted off to the playground very close to the playing field. I was able to watch my niece, while casting the occasional eye towards the boys too.

Then I heard the screech that signals an overwhelmed and stressed T(9). He came running to me, very scared. I saw two other boys, likely around the same age as T(9), and K(6) striding determinedly towards them. While consoling T, I kept and eye on K, to see if he might need help. He seemed fine, the body language of all three boys was initially defensive / aggressive, but that eased as I watched. T eventually calmed enough that he returned to the playground.

At the conclusion of the game. My boys and I began the long walk to where the van was parked. T ran ahead, and K gave me a debrief of what had happened. He initiated the conversation:

"Babsie, T and I have a plan. When there are bullies being mean to T, I will go and bully them back if I have to. I am happy when we can talk about it first though. When the boys were bullies to T, I went and talked to them, and explained that T can't always talk when he is upset, and that was why he was screaming. I am glad I can talk and explain things, not like T. If they hadn't listened I would have had to be mean to them too. I didn't want to do that. I would have though, if they hadn't listened."

I am so grateful that I learnt about deducing probable dietary intolerances.
I am so grateful that I learnt the negative effects of consuming such foods on the developing brain and the subsequent behaviours.
I am so grateful that my child is no longer reacting with such extreme violence when faced with adversity.
I am so grateful that my youngest child is developing an acute sense of moral justice and developing healthy strategies.

I eagerly await further developments, and where this takes him.