This morning at 01:00 I learned that an old friend from Teacher's College had passed away, in what looks like was probably quite a violent death in a motorcycle accident.
I haven't seen him since he failed to pick me up from the airport in April 1996, and he didn't return my follow up phone call, when I finally made it home.
I often thought to look him up, and see how he is, and never did, figuring that his actions spoke of dis-interest.
Now I never will be able to look him up and catch up, and find out what happened... I had my suspicions then, now that is all I'll ever have.
Spending a fair amount of today thinking about other people with whom I have lost touch, and what they are doing now...
Thursday 26 April 2012
Thursday 19 April 2012
"I discovered it"
The largest challenge I personally face in our family's homeschooling journey, is trusting that my chosen pedagogical method of Unschooling actually works.
Interestingly, the single fact that unnerves me most, is also, essentially the single principle that attracted me to this pedagogy. People learn things most effectively by doing when following their interest / passion. Despite having read about this and the studies that have been done to support this, having personally had no hands on- experience in this during my 'formal' education years, I frequently question myself, and our practices.
There are moments when I am blown away by the things that my boys are discovering...
Wednesday April 17 2012, approximately two hours after waking, K(6) comes up to me as I am finishing my breakfast and states:
"Babsie, when you take a number and it's made of two numbers that are the same, it is Even and when it's made up of two number that are not the same not, then it's Odd. Like 8 is Even because it's has 4 and 4, but 9 isn't because it's got 4 and 5 so that's Odd"
0_0 ~_~ 0_0
I vaguely recall affirming this by re-stating what he just said, mean while my brain is going... WTF??? how did he get that? where did he hear that? who told him that? My brain *needed* to know where he'd picked up this Little gem. So naturally I asked him something to the effect of, "Where did you get that from?" The look on his face... somewhat perplexed, as though this was a ridiculous question to ask and the ever so casual answer delivered in a tone of 'well d'uh'
"I discovered it"
So what types of things did he experience in order to make this discovery... to be honest, I couldn't tell you everything. This child likes to do things on his terms. In most cases, if you ask hims to do 'black' he will do 'white' or argue / debate you to 'gray'.
He spends many hours engaged in things. He will sit quietly for a time, and then when the surrounding noise gets too much, he'll wail
"Be quiet, I can't hear myself"
I have seen him walking around head slightly bowed, and moving his fingers in various patterns, that I associate with counting.
A few weeks ago, after I used a calculator to work out some numerical problems, he watched avidly, and asked a few questions about how the calculator worked, and since that time, he has been punching in numerals and functions and looking at the results. He spends time arranging tokens, cards, and other pieces in various patterns and groups.
I eagerly await what else he will report to have discovered...
and my faith in unschooling, has been bolstered a little more :)
Interestingly, the single fact that unnerves me most, is also, essentially the single principle that attracted me to this pedagogy. People learn things most effectively by doing when following their interest / passion. Despite having read about this and the studies that have been done to support this, having personally had no hands on- experience in this during my 'formal' education years, I frequently question myself, and our practices.
There are moments when I am blown away by the things that my boys are discovering...
Wednesday April 17 2012, approximately two hours after waking, K(6) comes up to me as I am finishing my breakfast and states:
"Babsie, when you take a number and it's made of two numbers that are the same, it is Even and when it's made up of two number that are not the same not, then it's Odd. Like 8 is Even because it's has 4 and 4, but 9 isn't because it's got 4 and 5 so that's Odd"
0_0 ~_~ 0_0
I vaguely recall affirming this by re-stating what he just said, mean while my brain is going... WTF??? how did he get that? where did he hear that? who told him that? My brain *needed* to know where he'd picked up this Little gem. So naturally I asked him something to the effect of, "Where did you get that from?" The look on his face... somewhat perplexed, as though this was a ridiculous question to ask and the ever so casual answer delivered in a tone of 'well d'uh'
"I discovered it"
So what types of things did he experience in order to make this discovery... to be honest, I couldn't tell you everything. This child likes to do things on his terms. In most cases, if you ask hims to do 'black' he will do 'white' or argue / debate you to 'gray'.
 |
| November 2011: Toys were clumped in clear groups across the lounge floor... these were "teams" |
 | |
| Sorting detail of one of the teams similar style of characters |
 |
| sorting detail of another team - blue |
 |
| sorting detail - ogre / monster... note they all have green hands or flesh (scales) |
 |
| sorting detail of team - genre (trademark) |
 |
| sorting details : colour, and aside from the casualties, note the orderly columns and rows. |
He spends many hours engaged in things. He will sit quietly for a time, and then when the surrounding noise gets too much, he'll wail
"Be quiet, I can't hear myself"
I have seen him walking around head slightly bowed, and moving his fingers in various patterns, that I associate with counting.
 |
| March 2012 Cuisanairre rods (FTW) |
A few weeks ago, after I used a calculator to work out some numerical problems, he watched avidly, and asked a few questions about how the calculator worked, and since that time, he has been punching in numerals and functions and looking at the results. He spends time arranging tokens, cards, and other pieces in various patterns and groups.
 |
| Symmetrical pattern along the vertical axis |
and my faith in unschooling, has been bolstered a little more :)
 |
| Today: Boys are putting their knowledge of finance into hypothetical practice |
Thursday 12 April 2012
Currency & Contribution
Since last weeks rather dramatic lesson...which I am still a little uncomfortable about... the jobs chart that I created some 18 months ago, has been implemented a lot more regularly. As I mentioned it in my exemption application, and again last week, I thought I'd take the opportunity to present it to you in a little more detail, along with the rationale behind it.
Human beings are social animals, we achieve a certain sense of well-being by being part of a group. Contribution is an essential component of group dynamics, and learning the skills involved in maintaining a household is equally important for any person, regardless of whether they live alone, in a family group, or in a flatting (rooming) situation. These skills are best learnt at home while growing up, and therefore, each family member is expected to contribute to the running of the household. In order to facilitate every ones understanding of what jobs are required to be done in a way to engage my boys' various learning styles, I created the Job Chart pictured above. The piece of paper below the chart states that each boy is expected to contribute by doing the number of jobs equal to their (age - 2) with a maximum of 6 jobs... Therefore T(8) has now reached his maximum required jobs of 6 per day... The sign also states that upon completion of the minimum requirement for the day, any extra jobs will earn 50c each. The boxes beside the chart are divided into Daily Jobs, Roster Jobs (i.e. those that need doing regularly but not daily) Weather Dependant Jobs (such as laundry) and Regular Jobs for Pay (things that need doing every now and then such as polishing furniture and spring cleaning type jobs). The other two boxes contain cards with ideas for activities... should the dreaded "I'm Bored" phrase be uttered, I direct them to look through the ideas in the box. There's one for outings ideas, and another for things to be done around the house.
Prior to last week's dramatics, jobs were simply not done. Prior to the Chch quake of 22/2/2011, from the initiation of the chart, jobs were being done. The quake had really shaken us, and somehow it fell off the radar. Some friends had argued that maintaining routines at a time of crisis can be more beneficial, and while I see the validity of that point (and in retrospect wish I had done) I prioritised what I felt to be important at the time, and I really didn't have the emotional energy to implement it.
When things were starting to settle down emotionally at home, and I prepared myself to re-introduce and monitor the implementation of the jobs chart, we suddenly had a big move thrust upon us, and once again, other things took priority. We have been here in our new home in Auckland for 7 months now. Aside from the remaining 3 boxes still waiting to be unpacked, we're fairly settled. This last week has seen the jobs chart being implemented daily, and the boys have even earned some extra cash over this time.
Each morning, I put out the jobs that are needed to be completed that day:
The boys go through and select the jobs they would like to do, based on their preferences... K(6) generally prefers to do jobs that are done in the late afternoon or evening, and habitually selects "clearing the table ready for dinner", "set table for dinner", "clear and wipe table after dinner". T(8) prefers morning jobs, and 'short' jobs, such as "empty the compost", "Feed and water the cats", "put in wash powder and start dishwasher", although he also enjoys "unload the dishwasher", which can sometimes take a while. Each card has a written description of the job, as well as a diagram / illustration. When I created the chart, neither boy was literate. By using text and image, I supplied meaningful exposure to literacy. Some of the more complex ideas such as "prepare dinner" is text only... largely because there is no set method of preparation, it varies on the meal, likewise with "cook dinner".
Once they have selected their jobs, they put the cards into the lower slots of their column as seen here
This way everyone can see at a glance who is responsible for a particular job that day. Some jobs are inter-dependant on each other. Knowing who is doing which job facilitates the process of negotiating with each other when and how particular jobs are done... for example the person who has chosen to hang the washing out to dry, is unable to complete their job if the person who has selected "load and start washing machine" has not done theirs. Once a job is completed, the card is moved to the top pocket, and when the minimum requirement is met, the boy is granted extra computer time and "unlocks" (Game speak is increasingly common in our household... it's as if games are a predominant part of our family culture) the potential to earn cash.
If I were to re-design the chart, I'd make the top slot a little wider... when 6 job cards are stuffed in there, it gets a little tight. I'd also put the text of the jobs on the top of the card... initially I put it on the bottom, as that was consistent with most children's books. I hadn't really thought about the fact that the text would be covered once in the slot. I would also colour code the jobs... one colour for morning jobs, one for mid day, another for evening, and another colour for the jobs that can be done at anytime that day.
I feel that learning to use money shouldn't be limited to how much you have contributed to the family. I was first exposed to this idea in Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids Are Worth It", where she makes a good argument that learning to deal with money is far too important a skill to use money as a means of punishment / reward. You may have noticed that when discussing the boys' opportunity to earn money, I used the word "extra". This is because irrespective of whether, or how much, they have contributed the boys get pocket money. Initially we started with a monthly amount, based on the fact that Carl was paid monthly. They then received $10 (T) and $5(K) each, until K became cognisant enough to recognise and state the inequity, at which point they each received $10 per month. Upon our move to Auckland, and Carl's switch to fortnightly pay, the boys were offered the option of remaining at $10 per month, or $5 per fortnight. After some thought, they determined that $5 per fortnight each was a better deal.
You may now be thinking... now wait a minute, she just said that money shouldn't be used for reward or punishment, and surely she's rewarding them for doing extra jobs by paying them. Yes. Viewed in one particular way, I am. However, I have always stated that the boys can earn extra money. The emphasis is on earn. In our society, we are economy driven. The principle behind the concept, is that I am introducing the boys to the idea that in our society, you are expected to contribute to your social group, and your home, and that in addition, you earn money by doing extra things... in daddy's case, that is by designing games, and in my case it's by helping people's brains work better, and in Granddad's case it's by building things, and in the local shop keepers case it's by selling things... At this point in life, the means available to the boys for earning extra money, is by doing jobs around the home beyond the minimum expectation of contributing to the family. At some point, when they grow older, and their opportunities expand, and their desire for a meaningful amount of money increase, new strategies will need to be devised. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. May it be far in the future... all though with most parenting milestones, I'm sure that it too will arrive before I'm really ready for it.
 |
| The Jobs Chart |
Prior to last week's dramatics, jobs were simply not done. Prior to the Chch quake of 22/2/2011, from the initiation of the chart, jobs were being done. The quake had really shaken us, and somehow it fell off the radar. Some friends had argued that maintaining routines at a time of crisis can be more beneficial, and while I see the validity of that point (and in retrospect wish I had done) I prioritised what I felt to be important at the time, and I really didn't have the emotional energy to implement it.
When things were starting to settle down emotionally at home, and I prepared myself to re-introduce and monitor the implementation of the jobs chart, we suddenly had a big move thrust upon us, and once again, other things took priority. We have been here in our new home in Auckland for 7 months now. Aside from the remaining 3 boxes still waiting to be unpacked, we're fairly settled. This last week has seen the jobs chart being implemented daily, and the boys have even earned some extra cash over this time.
Each morning, I put out the jobs that are needed to be completed that day:
 | |
| A small sample of the selection available today |
Once they have selected their jobs, they put the cards into the lower slots of their column as seen here
If I were to re-design the chart, I'd make the top slot a little wider... when 6 job cards are stuffed in there, it gets a little tight. I'd also put the text of the jobs on the top of the card... initially I put it on the bottom, as that was consistent with most children's books. I hadn't really thought about the fact that the text would be covered once in the slot. I would also colour code the jobs... one colour for morning jobs, one for mid day, another for evening, and another colour for the jobs that can be done at anytime that day.
I feel that learning to use money shouldn't be limited to how much you have contributed to the family. I was first exposed to this idea in Barbara Coloroso's book "Kids Are Worth It", where she makes a good argument that learning to deal with money is far too important a skill to use money as a means of punishment / reward. You may have noticed that when discussing the boys' opportunity to earn money, I used the word "extra". This is because irrespective of whether, or how much, they have contributed the boys get pocket money. Initially we started with a monthly amount, based on the fact that Carl was paid monthly. They then received $10 (T) and $5(K) each, until K became cognisant enough to recognise and state the inequity, at which point they each received $10 per month. Upon our move to Auckland, and Carl's switch to fortnightly pay, the boys were offered the option of remaining at $10 per month, or $5 per fortnight. After some thought, they determined that $5 per fortnight each was a better deal.
You may now be thinking... now wait a minute, she just said that money shouldn't be used for reward or punishment, and surely she's rewarding them for doing extra jobs by paying them. Yes. Viewed in one particular way, I am. However, I have always stated that the boys can earn extra money. The emphasis is on earn. In our society, we are economy driven. The principle behind the concept, is that I am introducing the boys to the idea that in our society, you are expected to contribute to your social group, and your home, and that in addition, you earn money by doing extra things... in daddy's case, that is by designing games, and in my case it's by helping people's brains work better, and in Granddad's case it's by building things, and in the local shop keepers case it's by selling things... At this point in life, the means available to the boys for earning extra money, is by doing jobs around the home beyond the minimum expectation of contributing to the family. At some point, when they grow older, and their opportunities expand, and their desire for a meaningful amount of money increase, new strategies will need to be devised. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. May it be far in the future... all though with most parenting milestones, I'm sure that it too will arrive before I'm really ready for it.
Wednesday 4 April 2012
Rights & Responsibilities
Over the years during my teaching career, and certainly during pregnancy, I spent a lot of time considering how I would raise my children. I considered what kind of attitudes to themselves, to life and to others that I wanted my children to have. Due to the extensive professional and personal development preceding the arrival of my firstborn, I had a pretty good idea of my goals and how to go about achieving them, however it wasn't until that firstborn was appr. 18 months old, that I had an epiphany and was able to narrow it down to a very simple underlying principle. Safety.
I want my family to be safe in our home. Our home is not a fixed physical location such as a house, it is the essence that makes up our family unit. Safety is not limited to that of our physical well-being either. I have a holistic definition of safety. The safety to be yourself. The safety to take risks. The safety to know that you are loved. The safety that you belong. The safety that you will be nurtured. The safety that you will be fed. The safety that you will be able to pursue your interests. The safety that you will be encouraged to grow and learn...
'Rights' is a very difficult concept to explain to an 18 month old. It seemed to me however that these rights, and the availability of these rights all contribute to a feeling of safety. And this is how I explained it to my 18 month old, when he queried an occurrence, and I needed to answer in a way that he could understand.
" I want everyone in our home to be safe."
In the following years as he has grown older and better able to understand more complex complementary concepts, I have extended upon this with statements such as
" We all need to feel safe in order to learn and grow well"
"Everybody has the right to be safe",
you may now glance to the title, and notice that the word rights features in the title. Alongside the word rights, is the word responsibilities.
In order for everyone to have their basic rights met, we have each have a responsibility to bring that about, for ourselves and for others.
As a parent I have a responsibility to ensure my children's rights are met. I also have the responsibility to ensure that they understand their rights and simultaneously recognise their responsibility in meeting and maintaining their own and others rights. I have a further responsibility to ensure that I do not expect more of them than is developmentally and individually appropriate. Until recently, my youngest was too young to be able to really see things from another's point of view, or to understand how is actions affect others. The parts of the brain that are crucial for this, do not start to form connections to the rest of the brain, until they are approximately 6 years of age.
Generally I am in favour of allowing my children to learn things when they are ready to learn them. I believe that this is their right. However there are times when extenuating circumstances require me to take steps to ensure things are learnt when they are needed. This is my responsibility as a parent to ensure that my boys have the skills they need to function within our home, and society. This weekend I reached an internal snapping point. For the better part of nigh on 9 years, I had been consistently putting the needs of others first. I had children under 6 years of age, and I understood that my prime responsibility was to meet the physical and emotional needs. I Understood that at times, this means temporarily putting my own to one side, in order to raise healthy well-balanced, mature and secure children who would then be able to reciprocate in later years as their fundamental needs had been met in their early childhood years.
My 6 year old, is now almost 6 1/4. He had been starting to show early indicators of being able to understand another's point of view, and things had been coming to a bit of a head for me in regards to how I felt I was being treated, and the things I understood my family expected me to do. These all revolve predominantly around the roles of maintaining a household. Over the last year there have been some comments from my second son that have frankly left me aghast and furious, however upon reflection, I realised that he had been essentially articulating his observations.
"No Daddy, you don't tidy, that's Babsie's job"
"I'm tired of doing this, come on just leave it, Babsie'll do it all"
"I'm not doing that, it's your job"
Despite immediate responses from the other members of the family around him to extend his view, such as Carl's comments "That's not really true, I do things around the house, I do the washing, and tidy the kitchen at night, and help get you boys to bed" many of these things were either done at a time that K(6) was asleep, otherwise occupied, or something that he did not see as 'work', namely taking the boys to bed, because that in K's view is quality time with Daddy, not work for daddy. Most of the services treats, and privileges that K receives such are in K(6)'s world view his right. My attempts too open his eyes to a wider view, and especially the idea that a family all has a responsibility to contribute to the home, have been in vain. He has become increasingly demanding, in fact to my view, his attitude at times borders on dictatorial. I had enough.
Out of desperation I took action on Sunday, that I am not particularly comfortable with. I have spent a fair amount of time reflecting on what I did, and have reasoned that I have not breached any of K(6)'s rights. I am still not comfortable with it. I've thought a lot further about it. This morning I realised that a large part of my discomfort with Sunday's actions stems from the fact that I stood up for my needs. This is not a well ingrained habit, in fact I would say it was an emerging / developing skill before I became a parent, and one that I have had little opportunity to practice since then. My Bridge outings are currently my only 'sefl-care' activity that I engage in with any regularity. Standing up for myself and ensuring my needs are met is a right that I have, and it's my responsibility to ensure that it is met. So how did I do this?
Sunday Dinner
Over the preceding two weeks I had stated a need that the lounge be tidied, and especially the table cleared so we had somewhere to eat, and the couch to cleared so that we could have a comfortable place to sit and relax. I had stated my need for orderliness to alleviate stress. I had stated the hazard of not having a clear exit path. To no Avail. I asked for people to tidy. To no avail. On Saturday I shouted at the family, because things still had not been done. I lost my cool, and blew my stack. Sunday dinner, and the table was cluttered, the couch was littered, and I wanted to have a meal at the table with the family...which hadn't happened in some weeks by this stage.
I threw things off the table onto the floor. As I cleared the table (yes somewhat dramatically) I stated," I have asked, and asked and explained and explained. No-one has cleared their messes off the table. Now I am clearing the table, because I want to eat with my family at the table." The boys were a little upset by this, as their precious things were on the table, and they feared they would be damaged, and Mama is usually pretty stable, and may shout, but doesn't throw things about like this. I think it is fair to say that if nothing else, I got their attention.
I set the table. We all sat around the table. I served Carl his meal first, K(6) thrust his bowl at the pot for his share. I ignored him, and stated "Daddy works hard everyday earning money so that we can have food to eat, and electricity, and Internet, and have a house to live in." I started to fill my bowl and stated "I work hard to look after my family, and to teach my boys, and make food, and try to also keep things tidy." K(6) looked a little upset that I had passed over his bowl. Then I put the lid on the pot of food. T(8) asked in a a concerned voice "Babs, can I have some dinner?" I stated "What have you done to help the family? Daddy and I work hard for this family. You can have your dinner when we have finished eating ours". At this point both boys got somewhat upset. As was I. I do not recall precisely what was said by whom and when in what order. I do recall that almost immediately, both my boys become very solicitous with their manners, and way of speaking. After a couple of mouthfuls, I opened the pot, and served the boys their dinner. We ate together as family. Despite the somewhat dramatic early dinner show, I enjoyed the meal. I like sitting with my males, and this particular dinner, the boys were very very very polite (which I knew they could do, because other people often tell me how very polite they are). We also talked a little more reasonably about how the boys needed to take a more active role in doing things around the house.
The jobs chart I had constructed 15 months earlier, had fallen to the wayside after the Chch earthquake, and just as the family had regained some degree of equilibrium, we moved, throwing it all out again. We re-visited that chart, and the jobs. We have been successfully implementing them over the last 4 days since the Sunday dinner blow up.
I am very happy with the results.
The boys are choosing in which ways they are contributing to the day to day household jobs, and I... I got the chance to do a little sewing yesterday, because there was room for it, after all the tidying, and time, as I am not doing ALL the housework by myself.
Now to keep it up.
I want my family to be safe in our home. Our home is not a fixed physical location such as a house, it is the essence that makes up our family unit. Safety is not limited to that of our physical well-being either. I have a holistic definition of safety. The safety to be yourself. The safety to take risks. The safety to know that you are loved. The safety that you belong. The safety that you will be nurtured. The safety that you will be fed. The safety that you will be able to pursue your interests. The safety that you will be encouraged to grow and learn...
'Rights' is a very difficult concept to explain to an 18 month old. It seemed to me however that these rights, and the availability of these rights all contribute to a feeling of safety. And this is how I explained it to my 18 month old, when he queried an occurrence, and I needed to answer in a way that he could understand.
" I want everyone in our home to be safe."
In the following years as he has grown older and better able to understand more complex complementary concepts, I have extended upon this with statements such as
" We all need to feel safe in order to learn and grow well"
"Everybody has the right to be safe",
you may now glance to the title, and notice that the word rights features in the title. Alongside the word rights, is the word responsibilities.
In order for everyone to have their basic rights met, we have each have a responsibility to bring that about, for ourselves and for others.
As a parent I have a responsibility to ensure my children's rights are met. I also have the responsibility to ensure that they understand their rights and simultaneously recognise their responsibility in meeting and maintaining their own and others rights. I have a further responsibility to ensure that I do not expect more of them than is developmentally and individually appropriate. Until recently, my youngest was too young to be able to really see things from another's point of view, or to understand how is actions affect others. The parts of the brain that are crucial for this, do not start to form connections to the rest of the brain, until they are approximately 6 years of age.
Generally I am in favour of allowing my children to learn things when they are ready to learn them. I believe that this is their right. However there are times when extenuating circumstances require me to take steps to ensure things are learnt when they are needed. This is my responsibility as a parent to ensure that my boys have the skills they need to function within our home, and society. This weekend I reached an internal snapping point. For the better part of nigh on 9 years, I had been consistently putting the needs of others first. I had children under 6 years of age, and I understood that my prime responsibility was to meet the physical and emotional needs. I Understood that at times, this means temporarily putting my own to one side, in order to raise healthy well-balanced, mature and secure children who would then be able to reciprocate in later years as their fundamental needs had been met in their early childhood years.
My 6 year old, is now almost 6 1/4. He had been starting to show early indicators of being able to understand another's point of view, and things had been coming to a bit of a head for me in regards to how I felt I was being treated, and the things I understood my family expected me to do. These all revolve predominantly around the roles of maintaining a household. Over the last year there have been some comments from my second son that have frankly left me aghast and furious, however upon reflection, I realised that he had been essentially articulating his observations.
"No Daddy, you don't tidy, that's Babsie's job"
"I'm tired of doing this, come on just leave it, Babsie'll do it all"
"I'm not doing that, it's your job"
Despite immediate responses from the other members of the family around him to extend his view, such as Carl's comments "That's not really true, I do things around the house, I do the washing, and tidy the kitchen at night, and help get you boys to bed" many of these things were either done at a time that K(6) was asleep, otherwise occupied, or something that he did not see as 'work', namely taking the boys to bed, because that in K's view is quality time with Daddy, not work for daddy. Most of the services treats, and privileges that K receives such are in K(6)'s world view his right. My attempts too open his eyes to a wider view, and especially the idea that a family all has a responsibility to contribute to the home, have been in vain. He has become increasingly demanding, in fact to my view, his attitude at times borders on dictatorial. I had enough.
Out of desperation I took action on Sunday, that I am not particularly comfortable with. I have spent a fair amount of time reflecting on what I did, and have reasoned that I have not breached any of K(6)'s rights. I am still not comfortable with it. I've thought a lot further about it. This morning I realised that a large part of my discomfort with Sunday's actions stems from the fact that I stood up for my needs. This is not a well ingrained habit, in fact I would say it was an emerging / developing skill before I became a parent, and one that I have had little opportunity to practice since then. My Bridge outings are currently my only 'sefl-care' activity that I engage in with any regularity. Standing up for myself and ensuring my needs are met is a right that I have, and it's my responsibility to ensure that it is met. So how did I do this?
Sunday Dinner
Over the preceding two weeks I had stated a need that the lounge be tidied, and especially the table cleared so we had somewhere to eat, and the couch to cleared so that we could have a comfortable place to sit and relax. I had stated my need for orderliness to alleviate stress. I had stated the hazard of not having a clear exit path. To no Avail. I asked for people to tidy. To no avail. On Saturday I shouted at the family, because things still had not been done. I lost my cool, and blew my stack. Sunday dinner, and the table was cluttered, the couch was littered, and I wanted to have a meal at the table with the family...which hadn't happened in some weeks by this stage.
I threw things off the table onto the floor. As I cleared the table (yes somewhat dramatically) I stated," I have asked, and asked and explained and explained. No-one has cleared their messes off the table. Now I am clearing the table, because I want to eat with my family at the table." The boys were a little upset by this, as their precious things were on the table, and they feared they would be damaged, and Mama is usually pretty stable, and may shout, but doesn't throw things about like this. I think it is fair to say that if nothing else, I got their attention.
I set the table. We all sat around the table. I served Carl his meal first, K(6) thrust his bowl at the pot for his share. I ignored him, and stated "Daddy works hard everyday earning money so that we can have food to eat, and electricity, and Internet, and have a house to live in." I started to fill my bowl and stated "I work hard to look after my family, and to teach my boys, and make food, and try to also keep things tidy." K(6) looked a little upset that I had passed over his bowl. Then I put the lid on the pot of food. T(8) asked in a a concerned voice "Babs, can I have some dinner?" I stated "What have you done to help the family? Daddy and I work hard for this family. You can have your dinner when we have finished eating ours". At this point both boys got somewhat upset. As was I. I do not recall precisely what was said by whom and when in what order. I do recall that almost immediately, both my boys become very solicitous with their manners, and way of speaking. After a couple of mouthfuls, I opened the pot, and served the boys their dinner. We ate together as family. Despite the somewhat dramatic early dinner show, I enjoyed the meal. I like sitting with my males, and this particular dinner, the boys were very very very polite (which I knew they could do, because other people often tell me how very polite they are). We also talked a little more reasonably about how the boys needed to take a more active role in doing things around the house.
The jobs chart I had constructed 15 months earlier, had fallen to the wayside after the Chch earthquake, and just as the family had regained some degree of equilibrium, we moved, throwing it all out again. We re-visited that chart, and the jobs. We have been successfully implementing them over the last 4 days since the Sunday dinner blow up.
I am very happy with the results.
The boys are choosing in which ways they are contributing to the day to day household jobs, and I... I got the chance to do a little sewing yesterday, because there was room for it, after all the tidying, and time, as I am not doing ALL the housework by myself.
Now to keep it up.
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