Sunday 22 June 2014

Hold Please

It occurred to me very recently, that I have lived most of My life "on hold"

Growing up, I was confined by the environment in which I grew up, to be the person I was expected to be. I spent most of my childhood dreaming of a time when I could engage in self determination and self discovery "When I grow up..."


 Like many who "grow up" in New Zealand, this coincides with the coming of age Overseas Experience the big  "O.E.". For me, it started with a week in Orlando, Florida staying with my Uncle and family, then going on to spend time in the Netherlands with the rest of my extended maternal family before starting my new employment in Canada. I left NZ early January 1993 and returned to New Zealand April 1996. Those were three of the happiest years of my life.
Bowling with 3rd youngest aunt, youngest aunt & husband, the Wind cousins and the v.d.Storm cousins (&the twins' partners)

I discovered I am a likable person in my own right.
I started to learn to say "No, this is too much for me, I need to care for my well-being"
I discovered that some of my quirks, are family traits
I discovered that some of my quirks, are Dutch traits.
I learnt that I am not "weird" I am a product of my family and my Dutch and Kiwi cultures.
I learnt to like Me.

I came back to New Zealand, and married my former boyfriend. I worked full-time in a demanding, exhausting and often rewarding job as an Early Childhood Teacher. I would go to work, come home, and be in bed asleep by 9pm. My life consisted of work and sleep. I had no energy for anything else during the week. Weekends were full of household jobs such as laundry gardening tidying. there was very ;little time and energy for other activities. Friday Night Board Games, Movies and Reading featured in my 'spare' time amusements.

Ten years after I returned to New Zealand, I (finally) gave birth to my First Born.I remember during my pregnancy how I eagerly anticipated the opportunity to pursue some of my own interests for the first time, while the baby was sleeping. After all, babies sleep a couple of times during the day for appr. 3 hours per time, in their early months. and then later there would be 3 hour afternoon naps, and then Playcentre, and school.

Reality hit with force. By the time my second baby came along, and people marvelled at how little he slept... a full 40 minutes twice a day... and asked how I coped, I laughed maniacally and stated that in comparison, he had monster long sleeps. Then their eyes would really bug.
Not sleeping, but as close as we get

Gosh, he looks like he might fall alseep

Good grief, He's *actually*  asleep!

My wonderful boys have figuratively turned their heads at pretty much every developmental 'norm', which as an experienced  qualified early childhood educator, I could identify early. It took me a while to find a good balance for meeting everyone needs. This including radically re-prioritising my needs. The end result is that effectively, I am once again living my life on hold. This is a fact that has come glaringly to the forefront over the last three weeks while I have been at home,alone, recovering from surgery.

I have lost the ability to focus.
The other likely place for sleep
I have lost the ability to start anything that requires uninterrupted concentration for more than ten minutes.
I can get lost in a novel easily enough, but only those I have read before... where interruptions will not have me lose the storyline. It is fortunate that I have read a lot over the years, revisiting novels is not as limiting for me as it is for some.

I do not know how to re-build this skill.
Researching strategies requires me to be able to focus, and I find myself flitting from one thing to another, and not completing anything... don't believe me? You should see the half written - never completed, unpublished blog posts on my "overview" list.

If you have any ideas... I'd appreciate links, comments, ideas...

Thursday 19 June 2014

May I?

Today I am really struggling to give myself permission to be less than 100% competent.
To allow myself to admit that right now I can not manage by myself.
I certainly can not look after my household or my family.

The last 16 months, since my injury I have felt tremendous anger that no one is looking after me, or helping me while I am struggling to manage. Most of that anger has been directed at my husband, for not doing enough to physically help out around the house, and picking up some of the slack as I  wilt under pain.

My emotional and physical needs were not fully met in my childhood. Words can not begin to express the hurt and anger that I carry deep within, because my emotional and physical needs were not met. This rage is on a slow continous simmer. It does not take much to bring it to the boil.

Anger is often described as a 'negative' emotion. Anger has been an intrinsic part of my life. When life seems to be overwhelmingly difficult, it is Anger that propels me to keep going. Anger lifts me up out of the doldrums, the slumps. Anger focused with "NO! I will not let them win in this! I will not let them beat me down. I will raise above this. I WILL be better than them". Anger can be used for positive outcomes, and has been the primary motivator for most of my life.


 Intellectually I recognise and accept that my parents' inability to meet my physical and emotional needs were not a result of cognitive or malicious intent on their part. My parents are products of the era in which they were raised. Emotionally wounded individuals, poorly equipped for the tremendously complex and committed task of raising children.They did the best that they could, with the information and support they had. In a time without the information and knowledge todays parents have access to, thanks to modern research and information technology. My parents were unable to meet their emotional needs, as they had not had theirs met, as their parents had not had theirs, for unknown countless generations... and I had subsequently not had mine met. This is the cycle of abuse.



The cycle of abuse is very difficult to break. The cycle of abuse is a generational cycle that has built up  tremendous weight and momentum.

The greatest gift my parents gave me, is their attempts to start breaking the cycle. 

My life journey is to continue breaking the cycle; to build a new family cycle A cycle of love, support, acceptance, and empowerment. It requires conscientious parenting on my part, at all times. Abusive habits are my default setting. A moments inattention when tired, or distracted, and these ingrained habits easily re-surface. Functional MRI and modern neuroscience has shown that our brains are not static. Neuron-plasticity has been proven in multiple studies. Change is possible. I will make it so in my family.


To do so, I need to be rested. I need to be well. If I can not accept my current physical need to rest and heal for my self, and typing this with tears rolling down my cheeks makes me realise that I can not accept this for me, I will be motivated to do so for my children.
The underlying drive may not be ideal, the result is I will care for myself, and that is another step in a better direction.



Monday 16 June 2014

on Surgery and Silence

My house has been abnormally, nay, eerily quiet the last 19 days. My boys have been staying with their Grandparents appr 765km away, as the crow flies. As I wrote here in "Still Breathing" I have been severly limited in my abilities due to an injury on February 5th 2013. 18 days ago I had surgery to address this.
Post Surgery - Oxygen, and red tape marks. To ensure no accidental movement during surgery, once I was 'out' I was taped down to the table. movememnt during spinal surgery = very bad indeed. Otherwise feeling pretty optimistic


The accident had left me with a calcification growth on one of my vertebrae that was permanently pressing on the nerve that runs along my dominant arm. All fine motor and many repetitive activities leave me in pain that detrimentally affected my sleep and overall functioning. The surgery removed the disc below the vertebra with the calcification, inserted bone grafts in it's place, and then had a plate screwed into the bone to hold it in place until the bones graft. This results in the 'bump' being lifted off the nerve, so it can finally start to heal, and alleviate the pain. there is a risk that because it has been receiving this pressure for 16 months, that the nerve has been 'conditioned' to feel this input and may not recover. Time will tell.

As this is a spinal surgery I have been restricted from any activity requiring any type of physical exertion, and must also be very careful of sudden shifts in posture from being bumped, jostled, hugged etc etc. Any one with young children, and at 8 and 11 my boys are still young however much they may refute that, knows that such care and restraint is a well nigh impossible ask. This is why the boys are staying with Grandma and Grandad for a still undetermined period.
At Home. Many snuggles with Sammie, as well as some territorial challenges. Apparently the sunny spots are hers, until they get too hot at which point I am allowed them. I will be tolerated to share them if she is on top.

The longest the boys have been away previously has been 8 days. this is therefore a significant undertaking for us all.

Yesterday I had my first post surgery consultation with the Orthopaedic Surgeon. he is very pleased with my progress thus far. when we discussed at what point we can look at having the boys home, he shrugged and said it was very much up to me and how I was feeling, pointing out that lifting them or carrying them is out of the question... clearly he has forgotten what monstrously large children I have, what with their age, and their considerably lofty parents... lifting them, except in extreme emergency situations, is already well out of the question.

After Post Surgery Consultation- bandage and stitch removed. 
The surgeon also pointed out that as the soft tissue is healing well, as long as I do not strain myself in these areas, for the most part the structural aspect of the surgery is actually pretty secure. The risk of damaging that is very low, however it is his business to ensure that this risk stays low, and this is why he counsels for greater caution than is perhaps required. the upshot that I got from all this is that if necessary, it should be OK to have the boys back, however it does increase the risk of something going wrong. Given that the original accident was directly caused by one of the boys, this is a factor that weighs heavily with me.
I miss their presence tremendously.

The fear of their accidentally exacerbating the injury, due to premature return, is very real.