Parenting in the modern world is a challenge for many. Due to urban drift and numerous other factors that are frankly beyond my ken, western society is no longer structured in a way that supports nuclear families . Those of us who are members of a theist community group find the support that traditionally was found within the extended family and village, people who will pass on clothes, toys and other 'necessities' that their children have outgrown. They provide support with advice, tips, or just listening to you when you are struggling and nod and affirm that yes it is tough, we went through it too. You come away with a sense of 'this too shall pass' and this can sometimes be what it takes to give you the strength to push through. When you can't find that strength to push through, they are able to provide opportunities to take your children so that you are able to spend some time to re-coup your sense of self, and have opportunities to spend time with your husband (wife) as a couple, and maintain your relationship.
These are factors that I find to be a strong attraction for joining a theist group. Particularly since we moved to Auckland last September and consequently moved away from established support networks. Our nearest family that have a relationship with my children strong enough for them to be able to enjoy time together, are in Canterbury. The commute, while I have a break or possibly even get to spend a little time with the man who I currently co-habit with, is just a tad unmanageable. I say co-habit, because although I love the man, and we are married, we actually have so little time relating to each other as an adult couple, that frankly there are times when I struggle to think of him as anything more than another adult who lives in the same house as i. Church... I've thought about it. considered it. Ultimately I haven't. There is an underlying principle of theism that I personally don't hold with. I feel it would be disrespectful of me to participate in a group whose underlying principle I can not accept.
The lack of accessible support was a primary consideration in our initial decision to not home school from the outset. It was the single factor that caused great concern for the long term practicality of homeschooling when it became abundantly clear that school was causing more stress on the family than was ideal.
Why?
Migraines.
I get them.
A lot.
In fact until recently (since the start of 2010) I pretty much had them continually. At the time, I did not know I had migraines. The fact was that the way I felt simply was the way I was. I did not understand that it was an abnormal way of experiencing the world. My mother had migraines, and they looked frightful to experience. I dated a guy who had them periodically, and he said to me once that he often felt annoyed at people who experienced headaches and called them migraines, because they just had no idea how bad a migraine could feel. I remember fervently hoping that I would never get a migraine, after all I had enough trouble functioning with life 'normally'. I was pretty convinced that having a migraine would probably kill me. Interestingly, I married that guy and it was he that first suggested that what I was experiencing sounded a lot like a migraine. I first had to come to a point where i could articulate what i was feeling and experiencing, and that didn't happen until approximately mid 2010, after I had some time without migraines.
So what happened in the first half of 2010, that created this marvellous absence of migraines? I applied my HANDLE (R) knowledge, gained in the latter half of 2009, to my life and the family's life. I started to loose weight, almost 40kg in fact. MY irritable bowel syndrome disappeared, my fybromalgia also gone, and I had more energy, life was no longer a struggle. It was that appearance of extra energy that made a huge positive difference and specifically allowed me to identify how I felt when I did not have that energy available, that allowed me do identify that this energy drain is what people call a migraine.
Now when I get a migraine, I can continue to function, which some people find difficult to comprehend. As much as it drains me, and as little as I enjoy it, knowing how life is without the migraine, I can function because for the longest time, it was the norm for me. None-the-less there are some things that I have learnt help ease the migraine, and facilitate the passing of the migraine.
1/- Ear plugs.
It is impossible to expect two young boys to creep around the house because mother has a headache. There work and play and movement and general approach to life constitutes noise. Most of it unconscious, and to ask them to continuously monitor is unfair, and beyond their neuro-developmental ability. wearing earplugs allows me to still hear their chatter, and their arguments (Someone should invent earplug filters that remove the sound of arguments) and their singing. What I do not hear is the constant drone of the fridge or the dehumidifiers that need to operate so that mould doesn't build up in the house, setting of family members' allergies. The highly irritating squeak of their toy vehicles as the traverse the floor on the various missions, the clanking and banging of the dishwasher being emptied, or the excruciating tones of cutlery hitting the plate as food is stabbed in order to be consumed... all these things don't bother me, because those sounds barely get through.
2/- Pain Killers.
I do not like to take prescription drugs. I am not entirely convinced that they are safe. the fact that they all have the sensible warnings of not for prolonged use, and do not use more than 'X' in a 'Y' period support this. As I did not understand that for all those preceding years, I was suffering a migraine, I did not take drugs because I didn't like how bad the world felt after the drugs wore off, and growing up with an alcoholic I *really* didn't want to become dependant. However when the migraine creeps in, and I know I need to be able to function for my boys, as their primary care-giver and teacher, as well as their mum, and that I deserve to not make it is difficult for myself as possible, then I will take some painkillers to take the edge of. I responsibly also make sure that while the drugs are a patch, I need to take care of myself too in order to get rid of it and not just mask it. So...
3/- Eye Mask / Cool pack
I keep an eye mask in the fridge. Alot of my migraine tension is in the area around my eyes, predominantly the temples. Spending 10 to 15 minutes lying somewhere that leaves my body, head, neck, and shoulders fully supported (I prefer the bean bag, however the bed works at a pinch) with the cool eye pack on, focusing on breathing, and relaxing as many of my muscles as possible, can make a huge positive impact on either migraine prevention, or migraine recovery.
4/- Hot Bath
Soaking in a hot tub, breathing, and feeling all my muscles relax. spending an hour just by myself. (The only thing I do not like about our current home is it's complete absence of a bath) Soaking in a hot bath right before bed also ensures that I am relaxed enough to maximise on getting restful and healing...
5/- Sleep
Trying to function with insufficient sleep is like trying to function while being drunk , so it seems pretty logical to try and get as much sleep as possible. Sleeping is good for recuperation, too. Actually you can't really understate how good it is to get sleep. I will, because there's just not enough time in the day to cover all the benefits, and hey, I need to get some sleep.
6/- Foot Bath
If like me you don't currently live in a home with a bath, and don't have access to a spa pool or some other delicious method of full body immersion, then I've found that filling a tub with very warm, not quite hot water, and adding some baking soda and some essential oils is a substitute. Not as good as a bath, but does at least ease a few aches and pains, forces me to sit still a spell, and inhale the soothing aromas. I personally prefer
2 drops Lavender oil
2 drops Chamomile oil
1 drop Clary Sage oil
7/- Screen Time
actually this is for the boys. Giving them extra screen time when I'm at my worst migraine point, gives them something to occupy them quietly, while I lie down on bed, and if not actually sleep, at least doze in and out of consciousness. We have invested in a programme that prevents them from accessing certain types of websites, and I have witnessed them moving away quickly from videos that I would deem inappropriate, because it doesn't interest them. I've heard them exclaim in disgust "That's not right" because the sound is distorted, or the voices are wrong.
I'm always on the lookout for more coping strategies while under the "thrall" any ideas?
What works for you?
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