Family, Death and Dying

The last few weeks have been *interesting* in the way of the Chinese curse "May you live in Interesting times".
The end of May was eagerly anticipated as my eldest would change from T(8) to T(9). He had stipulated that he wished to go out for dinner as his celebration, with a special guest. He had done the same the preceding year, and clearly loved it.
The day prior to T(8)'s birthday we received a call from my Mother-In-Law to say that her father, my husband's Grandfather, and my boys' Great Grandfather, had passed away that morning. This phone call had been anticipated for some 6 years, that he finally died peacefully, and while asleep was a great blessing.

The funeral was scheduled in Christchurch for the end of the week

I started to write this Blog entry shortly after our return from the funeral. While in the process, I received an e-mail containing the news of my mother's diagnosis of Pompe Disease. That pre-occupied my thoughts for some time. It is only after having posted a blog about that, earlier today, that I feel 'free' to complete this.
.K(6) had not been to a funeral before. T(9) and Carl had been to the funeral of (Great) Grandma 6 1/2 years previously, and I had been to 2 funeral previously, and those were both in 1989. Having been heavily and ungainly pregnant with K(6) when Great Grandma passed, I had not been to a family funeral, and was unsure of what to expect, I was well aware that every family has different customs and rituals, and I did not know how to answer some questions in the time leading up to the funeral.

K(6) wanted to know if we'd be able to see Great Grandad lying in the box. T(still8 but only just) replied that great grandma had a big glass window on her coffin (he was 2 1/2 at the time, so clearly this had made an impression). I rang my Mother in Law, and asked, and because K(6) and a couple of other family members wished to view Great Grandad, this was organised prior to the ceremony.


K(6) also wanted to take a photo of Great Grandad. I felt very uncomfortable with this, however I understood that he was interested, and that this was something he wanted. I did not however want to put my own thoughts and discomfort onto him, so I explained that I did not know how grandma, and the rest of the family would feel about this, and that he would need to ask. K(6) intensely dislikes asking people things, so I genuinely thought that would put an end to it. Not so. He went and asked.. Grandma said that would be fine. (!) K(6) took a couple of photos.

Baby Carl, his beloved Grandad, and big brother Rene

During this time, more family members arrived.

Great Grandad and Great Grandma had four children, and each of those four children (grandma and her siblings) married and had at least 3 children themselves, and almost all of those children (my husband, his siblings and his cousins) have married, and had on average 2 children themselves, and one of those has had 2 children, ,making Great Grandad, a Great Great Grandad... Then of course there were great granddad's nieces and nephews, great nieces and nephews...

K(6) was a little overwhelmed to learn that just about every person attending the funeral was a relative of his. When I told him, I could see him scanning the room, and his eyes getting slightly bigger as he assessed the number of people there. His Uncle Rene, Aunt Sandra, and Dad's Cousin Tim and his family were not there... Europe was a little too distant to travel from at such short notice.

T(9) spent the entire ceremony sitting next to his cousin A(10) and his dad. K(6) has trouble sitting still at the best of times, so I stayed with him for most of the ceremony in the creche that is adjoined to the church hall, with a large window to view into the main hall, and a sound system wired with a speaker in the room. As a result I got to see most of the ceremony, and hear most of it too. K(6) seemed absolutely absorbed in the toys that were there, however I kept up a commentary of who was doing what and who was coming to speak or sing. Every time something that K(6) considered interesting or important, he would come and stand at the window and look, then resume playing.

When Aunt Erana played the piano and sang the song she had written for her grandfather, K(6) stood and watched for all of it, and he heard the little catch in her throat as she sang the last couple of words. When she finished and got off the podium, he told me "I need to give Aunty Erana a hug" and off he ran to do so, and then came back to the room.He also went out to draw on Great Granddad's coffin, when everyone there was invited. All the great grandchildren that were present, several grandchildren and some other adults went up to write their messages of love to this beloved man who was for so long an integral part, the very core, of this family.

Grandad and Rene, and Grandma holding Baby Carl, 

 

 

outside their house of the time

During the service, I learnt some things about the family I married into. My favourite 'surprises' were the fact that Carl's middle name Steven came from his Grandfather's middle name Stevens, which in turn was his mother's maiden name. I also learnt that we had inadvertently done a similar thing with K(6)'s first middle name. K's second middle name is Rene, in honour of his Uncle (Carl's brother) and his Aunt (my sister Renee) regardless of gender, that was to be the middle name, just the spelling would have differed had he been a girl. Andreas is the Italian variant of Andrew... and Andrews was the maiden name of Great Grandma, the self same Great Grandma who passed away while I was heavily pregnant with K. So both our boys have two 'family' middle names. T having the Russian variant of Nicholas, which his paternal grandfather has in the dutch variant as a middle name, and Paul, which was my stepfather's middle name.

After the service their was a communal afternoon tea. An opportunity to mix and mingle, share memories, and catch up with various family members who we may not have seen for some time. I personally had been eagerly anticipating this. I have almost no contact with my family, on account of all the worthwhile ones being in Europe. This makes it a little difficult to pop in for a cuppa and a catch up. One of Carl's cousins and wife, also home school, and Unschool, and as they had very recently agreed to becoming the legal guardians of, and raising our boys should we have an unexpected and untimely demise, I was looking forward to seeing them, and ensuring that their boys and our had the opportunity to mingle. In addition, several of Carl's cousins had married and had children in the last 15 years since we had left Christchurch, and I was looking forward to meeting these additional additions to the extended family. Carl and T had been able to do so 6 years prior, to a certain extent, but K and I had not had that opportunity. There were so many people I wanted to talk to, however K was needing me for a fair amount of that time to be his parent, consequently I actually had little opportunity to mix and mingle. I certainly did not get to meet everyone I had wanted to.

One comment that was made several times, was the realisation that there would now be few opportunities for the extended family to meet all together like this, and how sad that is. I am contemplating putting some feelers out for a family reunion... maybe in three years time, when Rene and Sandra are due their "Christmas at Home" trip to New Zealand from Germany. Delightfully, I have learnt that I was not the only one to think about addressing this potential lack. My Father-in-Law rang and commented that he and his brother-in-law had noted how much all the cousins were enjoying interacting. So this Boxing day there is a plan to have a family picnic. Apparently this used to be part of the family culture, but had faded as the cousins became teens, and dispersed throughout the country, and then the world. I am looking forward to that! It would also be a good place and time to see if others are interested in 'saving the date' in three years for a full family reunion of Bill and Florence's off spring.

Florence Wright and Florence Wright

T at 10 1/2 months with his great Grand Parents