Intervention Time ?

There are numerous things that attract me to Unschooling or Natural Learning. One of those is that the learner is able to know themselves. This is a luxury I felt I was  never allowed as a child, a teen, a young adult, and something I did not really feel free to learn until my mid thirties.  I am delighted that I am able to discover myself, 35 is better than never,. Starting this late, it is a difficult process.In order to do so requires me to UNlearn a lot of things first.

I am endeavouring to minimise the need for my children to unlearn later in life. How much more efficient if they simply learn themselves in the first place. It will leave them with an abundance of energy for learning and exploring new things in their adult lives, and expanding their horizons from a solid foundation of self awareness and self understanding. Numerous educational and behavioural psychologists, as well as neuro-scientists and other related sciences have noted that children learn many things from their family and the environment in which they grow up.

I confess I find this terrifying. I want to raise my children to learn themselves, yet am struggling to actively demonstrate knowing my needs, wants, limitations and abilities, while simultaneously providing the services my children have identified and expressed a need for, and those that as the adult in the house are my responsibility. I reassure myself that the very fact that I am trying to do these things, and discussing them with the boys, while not ideal, is the best I am able to do, and that I should honour that. On good days, I can even accept that.

The latter half of term 3 I had a few medical appointments that required me to be sedated (by my choice) thus needed my husband to take time off work, and the boys to spend some time with friends, while my husband accompanied me to these appointments.. This had quite an impact on the boys, particularly T(10). When first discussing what was going to be happening, he looked horrified and asked if it meant I could die. NO!. I was quite clear that this was highly unlikely, and that all going well, things would at worst, stay the same, yet hopefully better. There did however need to be some changes for a period of time.

I needed to rest more, and the boys have always stated a desire for more opportunities to access the PC. Despite my initial (pre-children) days of "No child of mine is going to have screen exposure until they are at least 6 years old", both my boys have ample opportunity to engage in screen based technology. Most notable, at 2 1/2 my eldest was able to take photos on the digital camera, upload them onto the PC, and then print them out. At a similar age, the younger was starting to instruct daddy just where to place the Plants to repel the imminent Zombie attack. At age 4, the younger went through a phase of wanting to do nothing but play the Lego Kingdoms game on the Nintendo DS. That was a testing period for me. Would I be able to honour the principles of Natural Learning, and not restrict his access. Turns out the answer is "mostly yes" and he did reach a point when he had finished the game, and since, he has rarely touched the DS.

This was an important learning curve for me, in proving that what I had read, is how it happens, if you allow it to happen. When it comes to PC time however, there are other considerations that need to be taken into account... The fact that everyone in the house wants to use the PC, yet there are not enough PCs to go around. It is a limited and highly prized resource. Another factor is that when one is fully engaged in an activity, objective time awareness ceases to exist. It may feel like a few moments. Similarly, when one is waiting to access this potentially engaging experience, objective time ceases to exist. the same 'brieg moment' of the active engaged mind is a seeming eternity to the waiting mind. We found the most effective way of dealing with this objectively, and without the need for parents to be 100% vigilant at all times, was to install a programme that allows each person a prescribed period of access, and warns a few times prior to switching off at that time.

Taking into consideration that given opportunities to pursue their interests as much as they want, would enable them to become engaged and absorbed, while providing opportunities to learn their limits, and my need for more rest, we agreed that extending the boys PC time would be a sound strategic move. I worried that T(10) in particular would become overwhelmed, as we have noticed in the past that the more PC time he gets, the more his ability to cope with adversity and his feelings becomes compromised. I worried that as we are effectively still placing limits on access... deemed necessary due to the limited availability of a high demand resource, as well as the historic evidence of T's  decreasing ability to cope would potentially create a situation of unmanageable adversity for the family.

We have reached that point.

Initially it seemed to be going well. T would at times remove himself from the PC and come and talk with me, or engage in another activity. He would comment that he noticed he was feeling a bit headachey, or bored. I was feeling good about how things were developing. Then the boys discovered a new element of Minecraft. From that point it was all on. we had a brief side trip into making paper craft models of minecraft components, however the creative possibilities with paper minecraft was significantly more restricted than in the PC Minecraft world.

Towards the end of last term, I had observed T's resilience crumbling. I have observed K's ability to empathise take a down turn. These are a troublesome combination. It is clear that neither lad is currently able to objectively identify the situation. A combination of being neurally overwhelmed and intense subjectivity. I had anticipated the term break, with the absence of weekly out-of-home commitments as an opportunity to unwind and recalibrate, thinking the out of home commitments were wearing them down. The opposite has happened.

After two weeks of term break, the boys both seem more out of sorts. The fact that daddy is very busy at work as they prepare for the official release, and his absence at conferences and overtime is certainly a contributing factor. It seems to me that the boys are spiralling out of control. I have a responsibility as their parent, and educator, to provide some means of change, to prevent further spiralling, and enable us all to get back in sync with ourselves.

One option before me, is to further remove limitations on their PC access. I claim to be an Unschooler, and I have been labelled by others as a "Radical Unschooler". My understanding is that by further removing those limits, I would be honouring the unschooling process, and actually allowing my children to discover their own limits, which I have thus far only paid lip service to.

Another option, and this is the one I am drawn to, is to either move the current limitations to a shorter period, or a different time frame. I feel that the boys have reached a point where they will not actually be able to self-regulate. I feel that they need an intervention from their parents, to get them back to a point where they are able t make beneficial decisions. Take the time to actively model healthy alternatives and practices. Once the boys have experienced this, and are demonstrably on a more even keel emotionally, and then explore options and opportunities for less restrictive PC access.

I can not however ignore the fact that that the first option seems more in tune with what I proclaim my philosophy and goals to be. The first option is the one that creates a fear response in me. The first option effectively eliminates all my 'control'. The very thing I least wish to  impose, and most fear to lose.

Neither can I ignore that the boys' current state resembles that of a substance junkie, unable to make sensible, healthy decisions. The time when rehabilitation experts advocate Intervention.


I have discussed this with my husband. We agree something needs to change. He has taken the boys out to a playground for fresh air, and some time with daddy. When they return home, if everyone is in the right head space, we will have a family discussion, and see what happens from there.

Wild Child! Not really no.

A day or two ago, one of the Facebook page / groups which I follow, posted a link to an article written by Sophie Radice, entitled “Should We Let Children RunWild?” with the query “How much do you let your children do?” The body of the article referred to, explains that the author met a young child apparently walking alone. Upon further reading, we learn that the author escorted the child home, and was surprised and concerned to hear from the child’s parents, that the child had been on a walk with the family, and the child had elected to follow at a slower pace, for some alone time and the family had respected this. The article also makes mention of a blog I follow "Free Range Kids" which I was pleased about, as the blog is one of my sources of reality check.

Since then I have been doing some reflecting, and it occurs to me that there is a big difference between “running wild’ and allowing your children the freedom to explore the world, yet for many the two are one in the same. I am not convinced that the general public fully comprehends this. I strongly believe that they are not the same thing, and each has a different answer. At the time, I posted the following (edited) comment / reply in Facebook

I decide on a case-by-case basis. There are numerous variables...

*Which child is asking?

*Do I trust that they will know what to do if something unexpected happens?

*Have I considered, and prepared them (and me) for the possibilities that could occur? 
*What do they (and I ) stand to gain from allowing this, or preventing it?

*Is my immediate response reasonable, or fear driven?

My 8 year old has always enjoyed going out and about, and meeting people. When he was 13 months old, he worked out how to open the gates, that I was sure were child proof, and would go out on the footpath. I was not as worried about this with him, as other children I have known, because I *know* vehicles then terrified him, and now he is still wary of them. I used to tell him exactly how far he could go and why (within visual range of the front window, so I could see him, in case he needed help) and explain that he needed to tell me before he went out (so that I would position myself in such a way as to see him while he was out there). I've seen how he behaves in these environments, and know he can handle it.

My 6 year old has no desire to go out exploring anywhere with out company. However when the time arrives that he does want to, I am confident that he too will be able to cope.

I have seen my 6 year old, (then 3) forcibly tell an elderly, yet unknown strange man "NO! You Don't Touch Me" when the man patted him on his head. The same child at 4 told our then 12 year old boy-who lived-next-door, whom he idolised, to stop hurting the little girl that was visiting our neighbours at the time. I have no problem with my boys going out together, without an adult, within the clearly stipulated guidelines of letting me know where they are going, and for how long.

I like that my children are interested in the wider world around them, and I want them to feel confident and competent. If I am not sure about something, I'll talk it through with them... explaining why I may not be happy about it. They will either accept it, because they hadn't considered the things I was concerned about, or they will rebutt with solutions to my reservations.

The 8 year old has gone out (with the intention of) bike riding around the block in the dark. Initially I had said it wasn't safe because vehicles wouldn't see them. That time I cursed myself for not having just said no... However after he spent a good hour experimenting on different techniques for adhering torches onto his bike and finally having strapped them to the front and back securely, it was a case of rewarding his efforts... and as it turned out, he was a bit worried about the dark, and only went for about 2 minutes before turning around and coming back home....

This is not letting your children run wild, it is knowing your children, knowing their limits and capabilities, and then ensuring they have the required skills to function in the world, and nourishing their early solo adventures out into the world.

Despite the fear mongering that occurs in the media, the world is a pretty marvellous place, and not nearly as terrifying as it is often made out to be... with common sense applied

I am aware that in today’s society, many people would consider what I wrote above to be letting my children run wild. I do not see it that way. Let’s take a look at what wild actually means, and why that doesn’t apply. My Collins Concise English Dictionary, Second Edition defines wild as follows (I’ve not included the definitions referring to animal, plant, weather, and landscape, and just included those directly pertaining to people)

4. living in a savage or uncivilised way

            my children know the road rules, are generally polite to others, and are as civilised as any person can be reasonably expected to be, considering their developmental age and stage. They are considerate of others, and have displayed an emerging awareness of how their actions impact others. Most importantly, they converse with others… all combined, hardly savage or uncivilised behaviours.

5. lacking restraint or control

            when my children go out and about there is an element of restraint, generally self-imposed. My boys are actually a little fearful of new experiences. They both require a reasonable amount of time to mentally prepare for new ventures, each in their different ways. My 8 year old prefers to have time to think about what is going to happen prior to things happening. When we go somewhere new, we generally discuss where we are going, what we may expect there, physically and socially, and what we might do when there, and discuss strategies of how we can find out more.

            My 6 year old prefers to observe from a removed distance for some time before removing his self imposed restraint, and will move to engage within the new activity. In most instances when we go somewhere new, we endeavour to be there either at ‘opening time’ or 5-10 minutes prior to ‘start’ or expected arrival tine to allow them the opportunity to assess the new environment.

            These are elements of restraint and control. Admittedly not in the sense of an adult controlling every movement, thought, or activity. That is not to say that I do not know what my boys are doing, or where they are. I have instilled in them very early on, the importance of letting someone know where you are going, and when you anticipate returning. I actually started this when my 8 year old was an infant. At the time, some hikers had gone for a long walk, and gotten lost. They had failed to tell anyone where they were going, and when they would return. As a result, it took a long time before they were reported missing, and when they were found, one was in dire health. I resolved there and then to make the practice of keeping in touch a natural habit. I reasoned that this was also practical in the event of a natural disaster or family emergency. Should something unexpected happen, then it is good to know where to find each other, so that we can act promptly in such an event. This has worked in our favour when we suddenly had to go to hospital due to a family emergency. When the boys were caught in Christchurch on February 22^nd 2011, they could see the value of knowing where the people you love are. They could see that the practice of letting others know where you are, is not a response to lack of ability, or distrust, but a common sense safety feature, to mitigate the negative consequences of events over which we have no control, i.e. in emergencies. My underlying philosophy is to encourage my boys to be able to engage in our world as functioning independent beings. The only way to successfully promote this, is to allow them opportunities on a regular basis to do so, and with every success, they can gain confidence in themselves, and are rewarded with a little more independence. This is what growing up is all about.

7. disorderly or chaotic

            as mentioned above, we have a strong element of control, in the orderly way we approach new environments and activities. We generally follow the same order of events and strategies in these cases, and when we return to an activity or location, we repeat these same thoughts and discussions until I get e frustrated “I Know, I know, I know… stop talking about it”(from the 8 year old) or “Babsie, you keep talking about it, I don’t need you to tell me anymore” (from the 6 year old)… interestingly the 8 year old is publicly the polite child.

            Conclusions to activities have a similar approach. There is always a warning… “In ten minutes it will be time to leave” followed by the 5 and 2 minute warning. Then when it’s time to go, I need simply say “Time” and they come along peacefully. Woe betide us all should I forget to give the warnings. Every now and then, I have quite lost track of time. If I preface it with “Boys I’m really sorry, I was having such a good time, that I lost track of time, and we really need to go right now, if we’re going to get to ____ on time” we don’t often get the tantrums and melt downs, as long as I have mentioned at the beginning of the day that there is a time table. Sudden unanticipated announcements of “We’re off” are neither orderly, nor free of chaos… both in their implementation on my part, and the resulting behaviours on theirs.

8. dishevelled or untidy

From a distance, an odd assortment of items in an untidy or dishevelled placement...

Closer inspection reveals a Clone Trooper base connected by ramps to a droid base

            with their standard of dress possibly excluded, this does not apply either. I often lament the apparent lack of tidiness within my home. However as we home school, this is not just home, it is also the boys’ primary learning environment. I have chosen to follow John Holt’s Unschooling philosophy, as the research into the application of self-directed learning, coupled with “big” works (which could also reasonably be termed  ‘project based learning’ as Reggio Emilio advocates would) shows that this is the most effective way of learning.

One of the key indicators this style of Un-schooling and similar styles of learning is the ability to engage in projects that encapsulate a wide range of materials, and continue over an extended time period. At first glance my living room looks like a disaster area with random piles of toys, block, instruments etc. closer inspection at the separate elements reveal that items have been clearly grouped, placed, and located in a style that with a little reflection and open minded thinking reveal the order within the untidy and dishevelled chaos.

10. reckless

            the strongest rebuttal I have towards reckless behaviours is an almost purely emotional one, for some this would make it the strongest argument, and for others the weakest. To fully grasp the emotional argument, some background information is required. In short, I have wanted to be a mother for a very long time. Some 3 months prior to my marriage, I had an accident that resulted in my GP recommending a 5 year wait before trying to have children, as my body would need that time to heal, and build up the strength required for carrying a baby to term, and afterwards. When that time period had elapsed we quickly became pregnant (jubilation) and at 16 weeks we miscarried. Yesterday was the 10^th anniversary of the expected date for that pregnancy… my baby would have been 10 years old). This was the first of numerous miscarriages, however this was also the longest unsuccessful pregnancy. All the others were lost in the “usual” 6-8 weeks of pregnancy.

I had to wait a long, emotionally fraught time for my precious boys.

There is no thought more terrifying to me than the thought of loosing them in any sense of the word.

There is no conceivable way that I would knowingly expose them to a reckless amount of risk or danger.

The greatest risk of all, as I see it, is a lack of skills and strategies required to fully function in this world.  These skills and strategies are most effectively gained through healthy and robust exposure to all the multiple facets of the world, with all it’s beauty, opportunity, and risk.

Should we let our children run wild? In the literal sense of wild? Where there is no order or restraint, with uncivilised reckless, and savage behaviours? Most certainly not. Children are in need of protection in order to survive.

Should we let our children run wild? Where children are given the opportunity to experience the world first hand, with the freedom to make (and learn from) their experiences without an adult controlling every step, word, and action, while simultaneously aware of what’s happening, and being available for support if required? Very definitely Yes!