Socialisation

I first heard of homeschooling, when I was sitting a 3rd year university paper "Teaching Children With Special Abilities" towards my B.Ed. The compulsory text was a collection of essays edited by Don McAlpine and Roger Moltzen, titled "Gifted and Talented: New Zealand Perspectives". The last essay was written by Jean Hendy-Harris, a mother of (at least) one gifted child, who homeschooled. It's over ten years since I read it, so I may not recall precisely the wording or pertinent details, however one sentiment blazoned itself upon my little neuro-networks. Jean Hendy-Harris wrote that she was stunned that EVERY time she informed someone that she homeschooled, the response of the person she was speaknig to was something to the effect of "How will your child learn to get on with others?" Her conclusion: it was almost as if everyone understood that school is not about being educated, that school is about learning social skills.

School is not about being educated. School is about learning Social Skills...

This concept is supported, in part at least, by the fact that a key compenent of the Ministry of Education's  Application for an Excemption from being Enrolled at a Registered School is a need for the parent to demonstrate that their child will have ample opportunities to socialise and interact with other children while being homeschooled. The implication is that children who are homeschooled are at risk of having fewer social skills, and being less able to interact with others. As a group, homeschooling parents are a diverse lot. Our reasons for choosing to homeschool are varied. Our approaches to education are mixed.

There is one thing homeschooling families can all agree on. The ludicrousy of the idea that school children are better able to socialise than homeschool children.

Yesterday, Wednesday the 28th of March, an occurrence prompted the subject matter for this blog post. Wednesdays, we join a number of other homeschooling families in the Waitakere area at West Wave Recreational Centre. While our children engage in an hour of P.E. with the intsructors, the adults interact and support each other in our homeschooling journeys. We engage in dialogue about a variety of subjects revolving not only around homeschooling, but also life in general, topics of interest, and occassionally some debate. Essentially we use this time as crucial socialisation... for the adults. Upon the completion of the hour, a small group of homeschooling families then go the the swimming pool within the complex. We get a reduced entry rate, and our children will swim, play and interact, while we sit poolside, indulging in a coffee from the cafe there, and continue our networking.

On this particualr occassion, we discussed another parent's concern that her children seemed to be missing out on interactions with the other homeschooled children. We observed that a posible contributing factor, was that whenever her children struggled to intergrate within a group, she would promptly move in to resolve the situation for her children. We compared this to our approach that advocated a stand back, and 'let them work it out for themselves' approach, trusting that our children would persist, and develop effective and constructive strategies for integrating into the group. When our children became frustrated, they would come to us, we console them, or provide them an emotional refuge to regroup, and then suggest an alternate strategy (if needed) for them to implement. 

Meanwhile, in the pool, 7 of our 8 children were engaged in an active game of "Cops and Robbers" where the cops chased and gathered the robbers into a 'gaol'. The robbers would then escape, and the cops would once again go out to catch them. The robbers and cops were revolving roles. Everyone got the chance to escape, and be caught  My eldest son T, who was one of the two youngest in the game at age 8, and the children ranged in age upto 13. There were 3 girls, and 4 boys, from 4 families. Not long into their game, another child, of similar age, approached and tried to become involved.Our children quickly welcomed him into their game. Of the original 7 children, not one has ever attended a state school. 2 had been homeschooled their entire lives, 4 had attended a Waldorf school, and T had attended a Montessori school. All the chldren had been homeschooled for a timer period sufficient to have been de-schooled. Their exposure to typical school yard social skills has been somewhat limited. It was fascinating to observe the ensuing interactions. We sat as a group watching, and comentating on the actioons of the new child in particular. The following were some of the comments we made.

Who is that child?

Is he one of ours?

I don't recognise him...

He's obviously a school kid... look at his body language, so aggressive.

He hasn't a clue how to interact socially.

He's being pretty rough

Oh, did you see that, our child did not appreciate that at all

See how our lot are ignoring his inappropriate behaviours

It's like he's inviting them to gang up and belittle one of the others

Oh My God, look at that, T(8) is clinging on to B(13) to prevent her from escaping from the Gaol, and he's make lewd comments... T is 8 for goodness sake.

Did you see that? they all just moved together in a way to isolate him from the group. Clearly they're not appreciating his comments.

Oh he's not happy, look at his face, he's quite perplexed.

Uh..oh! Did you see that, He's starting to hit our children. (meanwhile in the background there is a loud blast of the whistle from the lifeguard, who gestures wildly at the 'new' child to stop).

At this stage, we were getting close to the time that we needed to leave. I moved over to the paddling pool where K(6) was enjoying splash-free water time, to let him know it would soon be time to go. While there, a mother with a toddler, and a belly that looked an awful lot like an early pregnancy protrusion, introduced herself. She'd recently moved to Auckland from Nelson, and had missed the P.E. but had decided to come and swim. I nodded towards the pool, and asked "Oh. Is he your son?" she answered in the affirmative. I asked if they had been homeschooling while in Nelson. Again an affirmative, however she did say it was new. They'd only been homeschooling since septemeber 2011. Internally a did a little dance of glee. We were right.

A few minutes later, as I was in the changing room with my two boys, we talked about the pool. T(8) mentioned how much fun he had playing with the others. I remarked that I had noticed that they had a few challenges with the new boy who had just moved to Auckland from Nelson. T(8)'s response blew my mind and instilled me with a sense of pride.

"Yeah.He didn't always play very nice. He must be new to homeschooling I guess" He paused and asked "Why do kids who go to school not know how to play nice?". I replied that at state school the children have to do what the teachers tell them to do, so they don't always get the chance to learn to do what is right, rather than what another person tells them to do. He replied "I didn't have to learn that though". No, I answered, but you didn't go to a school where the teachers told you everything you had to do. You went to a school where you got to make some decisions for yourself, and work things out for yourself, with help from the teacher. Another pause and T(8) stated "Well I guess we'll have to help him. And he might have to see you too so you can help him with his brain"

Clearly, Homeschool kids don't have strong social skills.

Oh, and in case you missed that... that was irony.

To be clear... from the Collins Concise English Dictionary Second edition

Socialise
1. vb to behave in a friendly or sociable manner.
2. to prepare for life in society

Irony
1. the humourous or mildly sarcastic use of words to imply the opposite of what they normally mean
2. an instance of this, used to draw attention to some incongruity or irrationality
3. incongruity between what is expected to be and what actually is, or a situation or result showing such incongruity

Wild Child! Not really no.

A day or two ago, one of the Facebook page / groups which I follow, posted a link to an article written by Sophie Radice, entitled “Should We Let Children RunWild?” with the query “How much do you let your children do?” The body of the article referred to, explains that the author met a young child apparently walking alone. Upon further reading, we learn that the author escorted the child home, and was surprised and concerned to hear from the child’s parents, that the child had been on a walk with the family, and the child had elected to follow at a slower pace, for some alone time and the family had respected this. The article also makes mention of a blog I follow "Free Range Kids" which I was pleased about, as the blog is one of my sources of reality check.

Since then I have been doing some reflecting, and it occurs to me that there is a big difference between “running wild’ and allowing your children the freedom to explore the world, yet for many the two are one in the same. I am not convinced that the general public fully comprehends this. I strongly believe that they are not the same thing, and each has a different answer. At the time, I posted the following (edited) comment / reply in Facebook

I decide on a case-by-case basis. There are numerous variables...

*Which child is asking?

*Do I trust that they will know what to do if something unexpected happens?

*Have I considered, and prepared them (and me) for the possibilities that could occur? 
*What do they (and I ) stand to gain from allowing this, or preventing it?

*Is my immediate response reasonable, or fear driven?

My 8 year old has always enjoyed going out and about, and meeting people. When he was 13 months old, he worked out how to open the gates, that I was sure were child proof, and would go out on the footpath. I was not as worried about this with him, as other children I have known, because I *know* vehicles then terrified him, and now he is still wary of them. I used to tell him exactly how far he could go and why (within visual range of the front window, so I could see him, in case he needed help) and explain that he needed to tell me before he went out (so that I would position myself in such a way as to see him while he was out there). I've seen how he behaves in these environments, and know he can handle it.

My 6 year old has no desire to go out exploring anywhere with out company. However when the time arrives that he does want to, I am confident that he too will be able to cope.

I have seen my 6 year old, (then 3) forcibly tell an elderly, yet unknown strange man "NO! You Don't Touch Me" when the man patted him on his head. The same child at 4 told our then 12 year old boy-who lived-next-door, whom he idolised, to stop hurting the little girl that was visiting our neighbours at the time. I have no problem with my boys going out together, without an adult, within the clearly stipulated guidelines of letting me know where they are going, and for how long.

I like that my children are interested in the wider world around them, and I want them to feel confident and competent. If I am not sure about something, I'll talk it through with them... explaining why I may not be happy about it. They will either accept it, because they hadn't considered the things I was concerned about, or they will rebutt with solutions to my reservations.

The 8 year old has gone out (with the intention of) bike riding around the block in the dark. Initially I had said it wasn't safe because vehicles wouldn't see them. That time I cursed myself for not having just said no... However after he spent a good hour experimenting on different techniques for adhering torches onto his bike and finally having strapped them to the front and back securely, it was a case of rewarding his efforts... and as it turned out, he was a bit worried about the dark, and only went for about 2 minutes before turning around and coming back home....

This is not letting your children run wild, it is knowing your children, knowing their limits and capabilities, and then ensuring they have the required skills to function in the world, and nourishing their early solo adventures out into the world.

Despite the fear mongering that occurs in the media, the world is a pretty marvellous place, and not nearly as terrifying as it is often made out to be... with common sense applied

I am aware that in today’s society, many people would consider what I wrote above to be letting my children run wild. I do not see it that way. Let’s take a look at what wild actually means, and why that doesn’t apply. My Collins Concise English Dictionary, Second Edition defines wild as follows (I’ve not included the definitions referring to animal, plant, weather, and landscape, and just included those directly pertaining to people)

4. living in a savage or uncivilised way

            my children know the road rules, are generally polite to others, and are as civilised as any person can be reasonably expected to be, considering their developmental age and stage. They are considerate of others, and have displayed an emerging awareness of how their actions impact others. Most importantly, they converse with others… all combined, hardly savage or uncivilised behaviours.

5. lacking restraint or control

            when my children go out and about there is an element of restraint, generally self-imposed. My boys are actually a little fearful of new experiences. They both require a reasonable amount of time to mentally prepare for new ventures, each in their different ways. My 8 year old prefers to have time to think about what is going to happen prior to things happening. When we go somewhere new, we generally discuss where we are going, what we may expect there, physically and socially, and what we might do when there, and discuss strategies of how we can find out more.

            My 6 year old prefers to observe from a removed distance for some time before removing his self imposed restraint, and will move to engage within the new activity. In most instances when we go somewhere new, we endeavour to be there either at ‘opening time’ or 5-10 minutes prior to ‘start’ or expected arrival tine to allow them the opportunity to assess the new environment.

            These are elements of restraint and control. Admittedly not in the sense of an adult controlling every movement, thought, or activity. That is not to say that I do not know what my boys are doing, or where they are. I have instilled in them very early on, the importance of letting someone know where you are going, and when you anticipate returning. I actually started this when my 8 year old was an infant. At the time, some hikers had gone for a long walk, and gotten lost. They had failed to tell anyone where they were going, and when they would return. As a result, it took a long time before they were reported missing, and when they were found, one was in dire health. I resolved there and then to make the practice of keeping in touch a natural habit. I reasoned that this was also practical in the event of a natural disaster or family emergency. Should something unexpected happen, then it is good to know where to find each other, so that we can act promptly in such an event. This has worked in our favour when we suddenly had to go to hospital due to a family emergency. When the boys were caught in Christchurch on February 22^nd 2011, they could see the value of knowing where the people you love are. They could see that the practice of letting others know where you are, is not a response to lack of ability, or distrust, but a common sense safety feature, to mitigate the negative consequences of events over which we have no control, i.e. in emergencies. My underlying philosophy is to encourage my boys to be able to engage in our world as functioning independent beings. The only way to successfully promote this, is to allow them opportunities on a regular basis to do so, and with every success, they can gain confidence in themselves, and are rewarded with a little more independence. This is what growing up is all about.

7. disorderly or chaotic

            as mentioned above, we have a strong element of control, in the orderly way we approach new environments and activities. We generally follow the same order of events and strategies in these cases, and when we return to an activity or location, we repeat these same thoughts and discussions until I get e frustrated “I Know, I know, I know… stop talking about it”(from the 8 year old) or “Babsie, you keep talking about it, I don’t need you to tell me anymore” (from the 6 year old)… interestingly the 8 year old is publicly the polite child.

            Conclusions to activities have a similar approach. There is always a warning… “In ten minutes it will be time to leave” followed by the 5 and 2 minute warning. Then when it’s time to go, I need simply say “Time” and they come along peacefully. Woe betide us all should I forget to give the warnings. Every now and then, I have quite lost track of time. If I preface it with “Boys I’m really sorry, I was having such a good time, that I lost track of time, and we really need to go right now, if we’re going to get to ____ on time” we don’t often get the tantrums and melt downs, as long as I have mentioned at the beginning of the day that there is a time table. Sudden unanticipated announcements of “We’re off” are neither orderly, nor free of chaos… both in their implementation on my part, and the resulting behaviours on theirs.

8. dishevelled or untidy

From a distance, an odd assortment of items in an untidy or dishevelled placement...

Closer inspection reveals a Clone Trooper base connected by ramps to a droid base

            with their standard of dress possibly excluded, this does not apply either. I often lament the apparent lack of tidiness within my home. However as we home school, this is not just home, it is also the boys’ primary learning environment. I have chosen to follow John Holt’s Unschooling philosophy, as the research into the application of self-directed learning, coupled with “big” works (which could also reasonably be termed  ‘project based learning’ as Reggio Emilio advocates would) shows that this is the most effective way of learning.

One of the key indicators this style of Un-schooling and similar styles of learning is the ability to engage in projects that encapsulate a wide range of materials, and continue over an extended time period. At first glance my living room looks like a disaster area with random piles of toys, block, instruments etc. closer inspection at the separate elements reveal that items have been clearly grouped, placed, and located in a style that with a little reflection and open minded thinking reveal the order within the untidy and dishevelled chaos.

10. reckless

            the strongest rebuttal I have towards reckless behaviours is an almost purely emotional one, for some this would make it the strongest argument, and for others the weakest. To fully grasp the emotional argument, some background information is required. In short, I have wanted to be a mother for a very long time. Some 3 months prior to my marriage, I had an accident that resulted in my GP recommending a 5 year wait before trying to have children, as my body would need that time to heal, and build up the strength required for carrying a baby to term, and afterwards. When that time period had elapsed we quickly became pregnant (jubilation) and at 16 weeks we miscarried. Yesterday was the 10^th anniversary of the expected date for that pregnancy… my baby would have been 10 years old). This was the first of numerous miscarriages, however this was also the longest unsuccessful pregnancy. All the others were lost in the “usual” 6-8 weeks of pregnancy.

I had to wait a long, emotionally fraught time for my precious boys.

There is no thought more terrifying to me than the thought of loosing them in any sense of the word.

There is no conceivable way that I would knowingly expose them to a reckless amount of risk or danger.

The greatest risk of all, as I see it, is a lack of skills and strategies required to fully function in this world.  These skills and strategies are most effectively gained through healthy and robust exposure to all the multiple facets of the world, with all it’s beauty, opportunity, and risk.

Should we let our children run wild? In the literal sense of wild? Where there is no order or restraint, with uncivilised reckless, and savage behaviours? Most certainly not. Children are in need of protection in order to survive.

Should we let our children run wild? Where children are given the opportunity to experience the world first hand, with the freedom to make (and learn from) their experiences without an adult controlling every step, word, and action, while simultaneously aware of what’s happening, and being available for support if required? Very definitely Yes!