We would interfere when tempers were rising, and encourage the children to "use your words" and to "Share" and admonish them with helpful reminders such as "Hands are tools, not weapons" and other equally useful and constructive phrases.
It's occurred to me over the last 9 years as a full time parent that those strategies are a crock of s.... uhm... baloney, as in salami... yeah, that's why I started with that s... it's a crock of salami.
When ever a situation arose in my professional capacity, I would dutifully go through the steps.
Question the
In almost every situation, I would walk away feeling frustrated, knowing full well that in all probability the scenario would repeat again, either within five minutes, the same day, later in the week.... and equally probably, at least one of the children would be a repeat
As a full time parent, I would repeat the same steps, with my children, and occasionally with their friends. This highlighted the futility of these steps. Unlike an Early Childhood Education Centre, where there are numerous children, and often multiple copies of certain prize items, at home there were no other children to re-direct too, and often there would not be another identical item to ensure everyone could get a go at the same time, thereby eliminating the point of conflict. Consequently my feelings of inadequacy and frustration increased manifold...
What was wrong with my kids?
What is wrong with me?
Why are they not getting it?
Why do they persist in not using their words?
Why do they automatically react with (depending on the child)violence or lashing out, or screaming?
Then came the day when yet another altercation broke out. I was tired. I was frustrated. I was overwhelmed. I sat there thinking... "I do not know what to do! What if I do nothing?" and that's what I did...
I did nothing.
Do you know what happened?
The kids killed each other!?!
Nope.
The kids got angrier and angrier until one of them exploded!?!
Nope.
The kids belted the living heck out of each other!?!
Nope.
They shouted louder!?!
Yep.
And then, they looked towards where I was, and I steadfastly ignored them. They looked at each other. They started to work it out. T, the elder was just under 6 at the time, K 3. T offered a compromise.. not the one I would have gone for, but he determined one for himself. K, absolutely enamoured with his awesome big brother, looked a little stunned, and then accepted.. They sorted it out for themselves.
Let me say that again...
THEY sorted it out for THEMSELVES. And not only did they sort it out themselves, the whole process from escalation to resolution and resumption of play, was at least half the time it would have taken had I gone in to "facilitate' the situation. Even more remarkable... there was no resumption or return to the initial conflict, as there usually was, when I did interfere.
I was gobsmacked.
My mind started racing, and a variety of things that I had been reading started to come together in my head. I put those things together, and created a couple of workshops for early childhood teachers, to help them understand what I had realised in that moment.
What was wrong with my kids?
Nothing. They were perfectly normal under 6 year old children, reacting to stress and impulses that are all perfectly natural for any human being.
What is wrong with me?
I had trusted the policy makers, and other professionals in my field to know what they were talking about, and failed to consider the latest findings in neuro-development, and their implication on behaviour, and self-discipline., and consequently common professional practice.
Why are they not getting it?
well to put it rather simply, the parts of the brain that are needed to over ride their base urges (neo-cortex) have not yet fully connected to the rest of their brain. They were developmentally not ready for this level of functioning.
Why do they persist in not using their words?
Well to put it rather simply, again, the parts of the brain that are needed to over ride their base urges (neo-cortex) have not yet fully connected to the rest of their brain. The two hemispheres, were certainly not yet calibrated to work together to identify feelings and then express them verbally, they were developmentally not ready for this level of functioning.
Why do they automatically react with (depending on the child)violence or lashing out, or screaming?
well, to put it rather simply, again again, the parts of the brain needed to over ride their base urges (the Neo-Cortex) have not yet fully connected to the rest of their brain. The Amagydala and the limbic systems are in full control, and they react reflexively (amagydala) to protect through flight, fright, fight, or emotionally (limbic) and cry, yell etc. They were reacting in a perfectly healthy and developmentally appropriate fashion.
Wait... did you get the gist of that? I've just essentially said that all the strategies for peaceful conflict resolution I had been taught during my teacher training for working with children in Early Childhood are developmentally inappropriate. I should point out, that when I did my teacher training, fMRI were a thing of science fiction... or at least science experimentation. They were certainly not available to the extent they are today (and the machines are jolly expensive and highly specialised, the waiting list for patients to get a scan is long). SO this information was not available, as it essentially was not known. The things that were known, that children learn through repetition, through role-modeling and through experience, all of which have been predominantly upheld by fMRI, were the understandings that shaped these pedagogical practices. They were meant well, and were doctrinally sound with the knowledge that was available at the time.
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