Feelings of Fraudulence

Having just completed a proposed routine for when the boys come back from their extended stay at their Grandparents, I'm feeling seriously Fraudulent when it comes to 'Unschooling'.

I have been struck by the enthusiasm that the younger lad in particular has been reporting on the school work that they have been doing in the mornings with their Grandmother. He is requesting grades, ticks and crosses for correct and incorrect work, and is enjoying the regular praise at his improved penmanship.

I always preferred a "B+" grade myself.

My guiding principle for our home education journey, has been to follow the boys' interests and needs. Clearly the younger lad is interested in more formal works, and receiving feedback. I am happy to do this, as long as he is interested.

It will be interesting to see how long this interest of his lasts, once he returns home and has free access to the PC once more.

The lads have also been enjoying a more formal approach to literacy. They have been reading a book together, and each new word they learn, they write out as they learn it. I have had conversations over the phone, where each lad has proudly reported that they can now read a whole book all by themselves. A bittersweet proclamation, as the elder has been able to do so for a while now, he just has not been able to accept his level of ability and had been continuing to proclaim of himself, "I can't read".

image from HJNews.com

My rough overview of the routine on their return is, every morning, contribution work consisting of the 20 minute household challenge, 30+ minutes per day exercise, 30-60 minutes focused on worksheets / school work type work, lunch and then free for all to engage in which ever interests we wish.
As inner discipline is something we all find challenging, it will be interesting to see how that all pans out... further, as this is an outline that I ave developed after having had one on one phone conversations with the youngest, it may not even eventuate. Ideally we would have a discussion on this upon their return, and develop something suitable, collaboratively.

Hold Please

It occurred to me very recently, that I have lived most of My life "on hold"

Growing up, I was confined by the environment in which I grew up, to be the person I was expected to be. I spent most of my childhood dreaming of a time when I could engage in self determination and self discovery "When I grow up..."


 Like many who "grow up" in New Zealand, this coincides with the coming of age Overseas Experience the big  "O.E.". For me, it started with a week in Orlando, Florida staying with my Uncle and family, then going on to spend time in the Netherlands with the rest of my extended maternal family before starting my new employment in Canada. I left NZ early January 1993 and returned to New Zealand April 1996. Those were three of the happiest years of my life.

Bowling with 3rd youngest aunt, youngest aunt & husband, the Wind cousins and the v.d.Storm cousins (&the twins' partners)

I discovered I am a likable person in my own right.
I started to learn to say "No, this is too much for me, I need to care for my well-being"
I discovered that some of my quirks, are family traits
I discovered that some of my quirks, are Dutch traits.
I learnt that I am not "weird" I am a product of my family and my Dutch and Kiwi cultures.
I learnt to like Me.

I came back to New Zealand, and married my former boyfriend. I worked full-time in a demanding, exhausting and often rewarding job as an Early Childhood Teacher. I would go to work, come home, and be in bed asleep by 9pm. My life consisted of work and sleep. I had no energy for anything else during the week. Weekends were full of household jobs such as laundry gardening tidying. there was very ;little time and energy for other activities. Friday Night Board Games, Movies and Reading featured in my 'spare' time amusements.

Ten years after I returned to New Zealand, I (finally) gave birth to my First Born.I remember during my pregnancy how I eagerly anticipated the opportunity to pursue some of my own interests for the first time, while the baby was sleeping. After all, babies sleep a couple of times during the day for appr. 3 hours per time, in their early months. and then later there would be 3 hour afternoon naps, and then Playcentre, and school.

Reality hit with force. By the time my second baby came along, and people marvelled at how little he slept... a full 40 minutes twice a day... and asked how I coped, I laughed maniacally and stated that in comparison, he had monster long sleeps. Then their eyes would really bug.

Not sleeping, but as close as we get

Gosh, he looks like he might fall alseep

Good grief, He's *actually*  asleep!

My wonderful boys have figuratively turned their heads at pretty much every developmental 'norm', which as an experienced  qualified early childhood educator, I could identify early. It took me a while to find a good balance for meeting everyone needs. This including radically re-prioritising my needs. The end result is that effectively, I am once again living my life on hold. This is a fact that has come glaringly to the forefront over the last three weeks while I have been at home,alone, recovering from surgery.

I have lost the ability to focus.

The other likely place for sleep

I have lost the ability to start anything that requires uninterrupted concentration for more than ten minutes.
I can get lost in a novel easily enough, but only those I have read before... where interruptions will not have me lose the storyline. It is fortunate that I have read a lot over the years, revisiting novels is not as limiting for me as it is for some.

I do not know how to re-build this skill.
Researching strategies requires me to be able to focus, and I find myself flitting from one thing to another, and not completing anything... don't believe me? You should see the half written - never completed, unpublished blog posts on my "overview" list.

If you have any ideas... I'd appreciate links, comments, ideas...

May I?

Today I am really struggling to give myself permission to be less than 100% competent.
To allow myself to admit that right now I can not manage by myself.
I certainly can not look after my household or my family.

The last 16 months, since my injury I have felt tremendous anger that no one is looking after me, or helping me while I am struggling to manage. Most of that anger has been directed at my husband, for not doing enough to physically help out around the house, and picking up some of the slack as I  wilt under pain.

My emotional and physical needs were not fully met in my childhood. Words can not begin to express the hurt and anger that I carry deep within, because my emotional and physical needs were not met. This rage is on a slow continous simmer. It does not take much to bring it to the boil.

Anger is often described as a 'negative' emotion. Anger has been an intrinsic part of my life. When life seems to be overwhelmingly difficult, it is Anger that propels me to keep going. Anger lifts me up out of the doldrums, the slumps. Anger focused with "NO! I will not let them win in this! I will not let them beat me down. I will raise above this. I WILL be better than them". Anger can be used for positive outcomes, and has been the primary motivator for most of my life.


 Intellectually I recognise and accept that my parents' inability to meet my physical and emotional needs were not a result of cognitive or malicious intent on their part. My parents are products of the era in which they were raised. Emotionally wounded individuals, poorly equipped for the tremendously complex and committed task of raising children.They did the best that they could, with the information and support they had. In a time without the information and knowledge todays parents have access to, thanks to modern research and information technology. My parents were unable to meet their emotional needs, as they had not had theirs met, as their parents had not had theirs, for unknown countless generations... and I had subsequently not had mine met. This is the cycle of abuse.

The cycle of abuse is very difficult to break. The cycle of abuse is a generational cycle that has built up  tremendous weight and momentum.

The greatest gift my parents gave me, is their attempts to start breaking the cycle. 

My life journey is to continue breaking the cycle; to build a new family cycle A cycle of love, support, acceptance, and empowerment. It requires conscientious parenting on my part, at all times. Abusive habits are my default setting. A moments inattention when tired, or distracted, and these ingrained habits easily re-surface. Functional MRI and modern neuroscience has shown that our brains are not static. Neuron-plasticity has been proven in multiple studies. Change is possible. I will make it so in my family.

To do so, I need to be rested. I need to be well. If I can not accept my current physical need to rest and heal for my self, and typing this with tears rolling down my cheeks makes me realise that I can not accept this for me, I will be motivated to do so for my children.
The underlying drive may not be ideal, the result is I will care for myself, and that is another step in a better direction.

on Surgery and Silence

My house has been abnormally, nay, eerily quiet the last 19 days. My boys have been staying with their Grandparents appr 765km away, as the crow flies. As I wrote here in "Still Breathing" I have been severly limited in my abilities due to an injury on February 5th 2013. 18 days ago I had surgery to address this.

Post Surgery - Oxygen, and red tape marks. To ensure no accidental movement during surgery, once I was 'out' I was taped down to the table. movememnt during spinal surgery = very bad indeed. Otherwise feeling pretty optimistic

The accident had left me with a calcification growth on one of my vertebrae that was permanently pressing on the nerve that runs along my dominant arm. All fine motor and many repetitive activities leave me in pain that detrimentally affected my sleep and overall functioning. The surgery removed the disc below the vertebra with the calcification, inserted bone grafts in it's place, and then had a plate screwed into the bone to hold it in place until the bones graft. This results in the 'bump' being lifted off the nerve, so it can finally start to heal, and alleviate the pain. there is a risk that because it has been receiving this pressure for 16 months, that the nerve has been 'conditioned' to feel this input and may not recover. Time will tell.

As this is a spinal surgery I have been restricted from any activity requiring any type of physical exertion, and must also be very careful of sudden shifts in posture from being bumped, jostled, hugged etc etc. Any one with young children, and at 8 and 11 my boys are still young however much they may refute that, knows that such care and restraint is a well nigh impossible ask. This is why the boys are staying with Grandma and Grandad for a still undetermined period.

At Home. Many snuggles with Sammie, as well as some territorial challenges. Apparently the sunny spots are hers, until they get too hot at which point I am allowed them. I will be tolerated to share them if she is on top.

The longest the boys have been away previously has been 8 days. this is therefore a significant undertaking for us all.

Yesterday I had my first post surgery consultation with the Orthopaedic Surgeon. he is very pleased with my progress thus far. when we discussed at what point we can look at having the boys home, he shrugged and said it was very much up to me and how I was feeling, pointing out that lifting them or carrying them is out of the question... clearly he has forgotten what monstrously large children I have, what with their age, and their considerably lofty parents... lifting them, except in extreme emergency situations, is already well out of the question.

After Post Surgery Consultation- bandage and stitch removed.

 

The surgeon also pointed out that as the soft tissue is healing well, as long as I do not strain myself in these areas, for the most part the structural aspect of the surgery is actually pretty secure. The risk of damaging that is very low, however it is his business to ensure that this risk stays low, and this is why he counsels for greater caution than is perhaps required. the upshot that I got from all this is that if necessary, it should be OK to have the boys back, however it does increase the risk of something going wrong. Given that the original accident was directly caused by one of the boys, this is a factor that weighs heavily with me.
I miss their presence tremendously.

The fear of their accidentally exacerbating the injury, due to premature return, is very real.
 

Spontaneous, Meaningful Writing

This evening I found an A5 sized card with a password I had written earlier in the
week, so the boys could independently access a game server, with extra print
upon it.

I was excited about the sudden physical evidence of the boys' writing, however I
was unclear as to whom had done the writing. It looked like T(10)'s hand, yet the
content is something I know K(7) has been working with.
I took the card to where the boys were busy, and stated that I wanted to be sure
I filed it correctly, and queried whose folder I should put it in. With a few
clarification questions from me in response to their answers, I determined the
following.

T(10) wished to be able to change the settings while engaged with Minecraft, and
finding the process of clicking menu, and then clicking through to the correct submenu
in order to do so, time consuming and laborious, he enquired of K(7) how
to do so while in game. K(7) knew how, yet struggled to articulate. The boys
developed the effective strategy of K(7) slowly typing the command, while T(10)
wrote it out on the card.

For the purpose of publishing on the internet, I cropped out the password for security reasons

Intervention Time ?

There are numerous things that attract me to Unschooling or Natural Learning. One of those is that the learner is able to know themselves. This is a luxury I felt I was  never allowed as a child, a teen, a young adult, and something I did not really feel free to learn until my mid thirties.  I am delighted that I am able to discover myself, 35 is better than never,. Starting this late, it is a difficult process.In order to do so requires me to UNlearn a lot of things first.

I am endeavouring to minimise the need for my children to unlearn later in life. How much more efficient if they simply learn themselves in the first place. It will leave them with an abundance of energy for learning and exploring new things in their adult lives, and expanding their horizons from a solid foundation of self awareness and self understanding. Numerous educational and behavioural psychologists, as well as neuro-scientists and other related sciences have noted that children learn many things from their family and the environment in which they grow up.

I confess I find this terrifying. I want to raise my children to learn themselves, yet am struggling to actively demonstrate knowing my needs, wants, limitations and abilities, while simultaneously providing the services my children have identified and expressed a need for, and those that as the adult in the house are my responsibility. I reassure myself that the very fact that I am trying to do these things, and discussing them with the boys, while not ideal, is the best I am able to do, and that I should honour that. On good days, I can even accept that.

The latter half of term 3 I had a few medical appointments that required me to be sedated (by my choice) thus needed my husband to take time off work, and the boys to spend some time with friends, while my husband accompanied me to these appointments.. This had quite an impact on the boys, particularly T(10). When first discussing what was going to be happening, he looked horrified and asked if it meant I could die. NO!. I was quite clear that this was highly unlikely, and that all going well, things would at worst, stay the same, yet hopefully better. There did however need to be some changes for a period of time.

I needed to rest more, and the boys have always stated a desire for more opportunities to access the PC. Despite my initial (pre-children) days of "No child of mine is going to have screen exposure until they are at least 6 years old", both my boys have ample opportunity to engage in screen based technology. Most notable, at 2 1/2 my eldest was able to take photos on the digital camera, upload them onto the PC, and then print them out. At a similar age, the younger was starting to instruct daddy just where to place the Plants to repel the imminent Zombie attack. At age 4, the younger went through a phase of wanting to do nothing but play the Lego Kingdoms game on the Nintendo DS. That was a testing period for me. Would I be able to honour the principles of Natural Learning, and not restrict his access. Turns out the answer is "mostly yes" and he did reach a point when he had finished the game, and since, he has rarely touched the DS.

This was an important learning curve for me, in proving that what I had read, is how it happens, if you allow it to happen. When it comes to PC time however, there are other considerations that need to be taken into account... The fact that everyone in the house wants to use the PC, yet there are not enough PCs to go around. It is a limited and highly prized resource. Another factor is that when one is fully engaged in an activity, objective time awareness ceases to exist. It may feel like a few moments. Similarly, when one is waiting to access this potentially engaging experience, objective time ceases to exist. the same 'brieg moment' of the active engaged mind is a seeming eternity to the waiting mind. We found the most effective way of dealing with this objectively, and without the need for parents to be 100% vigilant at all times, was to install a programme that allows each person a prescribed period of access, and warns a few times prior to switching off at that time.

Taking into consideration that given opportunities to pursue their interests as much as they want, would enable them to become engaged and absorbed, while providing opportunities to learn their limits, and my need for more rest, we agreed that extending the boys PC time would be a sound strategic move. I worried that T(10) in particular would become overwhelmed, as we have noticed in the past that the more PC time he gets, the more his ability to cope with adversity and his feelings becomes compromised. I worried that as we are effectively still placing limits on access... deemed necessary due to the limited availability of a high demand resource, as well as the historic evidence of T's  decreasing ability to cope would potentially create a situation of unmanageable adversity for the family.

We have reached that point.

Initially it seemed to be going well. T would at times remove himself from the PC and come and talk with me, or engage in another activity. He would comment that he noticed he was feeling a bit headachey, or bored. I was feeling good about how things were developing. Then the boys discovered a new element of Minecraft. From that point it was all on. we had a brief side trip into making paper craft models of minecraft components, however the creative possibilities with paper minecraft was significantly more restricted than in the PC Minecraft world.

Towards the end of last term, I had observed T's resilience crumbling. I have observed K's ability to empathise take a down turn. These are a troublesome combination. It is clear that neither lad is currently able to objectively identify the situation. A combination of being neurally overwhelmed and intense subjectivity. I had anticipated the term break, with the absence of weekly out-of-home commitments as an opportunity to unwind and recalibrate, thinking the out of home commitments were wearing them down. The opposite has happened.

After two weeks of term break, the boys both seem more out of sorts. The fact that daddy is very busy at work as they prepare for the official release, and his absence at conferences and overtime is certainly a contributing factor. It seems to me that the boys are spiralling out of control. I have a responsibility as their parent, and educator, to provide some means of change, to prevent further spiralling, and enable us all to get back in sync with ourselves.

One option before me, is to further remove limitations on their PC access. I claim to be an Unschooler, and I have been labelled by others as a "Radical Unschooler". My understanding is that by further removing those limits, I would be honouring the unschooling process, and actually allowing my children to discover their own limits, which I have thus far only paid lip service to.

Another option, and this is the one I am drawn to, is to either move the current limitations to a shorter period, or a different time frame. I feel that the boys have reached a point where they will not actually be able to self-regulate. I feel that they need an intervention from their parents, to get them back to a point where they are able t make beneficial decisions. Take the time to actively model healthy alternatives and practices. Once the boys have experienced this, and are demonstrably on a more even keel emotionally, and then explore options and opportunities for less restrictive PC access.

I can not however ignore the fact that that the first option seems more in tune with what I proclaim my philosophy and goals to be. The first option is the one that creates a fear response in me. The first option effectively eliminates all my 'control'. The very thing I least wish to  impose, and most fear to lose.

Neither can I ignore that the boys' current state resembles that of a substance junkie, unable to make sensible, healthy decisions. The time when rehabilitation experts advocate Intervention.


I have discussed this with my husband. We agree something needs to change. He has taken the boys out to a playground for fresh air, and some time with daddy. When they return home, if everyone is in the right head space, we will have a family discussion, and see what happens from there.

Knock Knock; Who's There? Dr; Doctor who? Dr Doctor...

Some time ago, when first introduced to knock knock jokes, it was abundantly clear that some of the finer points of a good ( I do use the phrase very loosely ) knock knock joke were beyond the comprehension of either of our lads. I confess that at the time I did not recognise which skill had been missing. The last week or so, the boys re-discovered this genre of jokes. K(7) asked his dad to tell jokes, and with the help of the www, Carl obliged.

Knock Knock jokes have been around for a long time, and most adults will see the weak humour and smile indulgently at others' emerging attempts at sharing humour. When I hear my child(ren) erupting in belly shaking laughter and giggles the joke's value rises significantly in my estimation. The notable difference this re-discovery of Knock knock jokes is K(7)'s ability to understand the wordplay. His language comprehension has expanded considerably since the initial discovery of the jokes three years ago. This increased language knowledge is demonstrated by his response to the joke.

After hearing a few this time around, he clearly recognised the word play, as every now and then he would not laugh. In these instances, he would ask for the meaning of a word or phrase within the joke, and upon receiving the required information, he would either smile, or laugh, or ask for the joke to be repeated. Then he would laugh, the finer nuance comprehended.

My initial delight however is now waning. Every day, K(7) will repeat the jokes he favours most highly. Apparently my low key response was insufficient. I believe he thinks I do not understand the joke, and so he goes to some length to explain to me why the joke is funny. Initially this irked me. How to explain to him that I was not laughing because over my 41 years of life I have heard that particular joke so many times, that the novelty has worn off, and it just is not that funny? The simple answer, was also the obvious one. You do NOT do so.

While Knock Knock and Dr Doctor jokes ARE old hat to me, it is new and exciting for him. Just as when he was an infant and we shared the wonder at the first sight of bubbles, and birds, and wind on the face, the feel of sand, the sight of surf pounding on the sandy beach, and taste of new food elicited wonder and smiles in us both, so too should the equally exciting discovery of punnery and word play and social nuances that are inherent in these jokes. It was being present and being involved in, and sharing wondrous new discoveries with my children in their early childhood that attracted me to home schooling, and especially the 'Un-schooling' or 'Natural Learning' pedagogy. My boys' new experiences are more intangible and cerebral as they get older, they are however no less wondrous and exciting.

Unexpectedly, my not informing him that I do understand the joke and find it far from novel provides me with an excellent opportunity to gain a better understanding of the extent of his comprehension. Here is an example:

K(7) "Dr Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
(as the dr) Next please"

he explains to me. 'It's funny because the dr is ignoring him too"

Dr Doctor I feel like an egg

hmm, let's see if we can crack this case

"It's funny because you crack an egg, and crack this case means finding an answer."

T(10) too has been demonstrating his understanding of the finer points of the jokes. He has always enjoyed creating amusement for, and laughter in, others. His social awareness, and challenges in verbal expression result in him frequently utilising physical humour, as this bypasses the need to speak. As he listens to K's chatter on the subject, I think he realises that the familiarity of the same format of these jokes make an enticing, and less challenging, introduction to verbal humour, demonstrated as he tries to create his own jokes.

During our last foray into the world of knock knock jokes, his attempts were nonsensical. The punch line would bear no relation to the start of the joke. This demonstrated more clearly than anything else, that many of the words, ideas, and nuances of the jokes were completely missed. This time around, he is slowly sculpting ideas together. He appears to have a few ideas in his head of words that work together, and then he slowly states the aspects. Listening to him develop from

Dr Doctor, I think I am an egg, crack uhm... Dr Doctor I think I am an egg, Lets crack this, uhmmm Dr Doctor I feel like an egg, hmm, let's see if we can crack this case.

The observant reader will note that this is the joke that K(7) then explained to me.



I anticipate my boys will persist with these jokes for a while. There will be frequent repetition, and explanations as they deem them necessary. As they learn and live, I shall continue to love, laugh and learn alongside them. I shall endeavour to enjoy their explorations, appreciate their efforts,and value that these are, for them, fresh new discoveries.